All Saints, All Souls, Death, Purgatory, Hell, Heaven. (Phew!)

Hello Ladies,

In honor of All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day, which were November 1st and second respectively, I will be writing about the Catholic beliefs about death and explain what I mean when I say that it is a mother's duty to make her child fit for the kingdom of heaven. Let's go!

All Saints' Day  http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/01315a.htm

When I was growing up I wasn't all that impressed with this feast day. To me, a saint was someone who died horribly hundreds or thousands of years ago. Sad and tragic? Certainly. But I certainly wasn't going to be killed for refusing to marry a rich pagan. Sure, the stories were cool but it was more like reading folklore than finding anything in common. And to ask for intercession from these people? Why not go directly to Jesus?

Ok, so the Catholic church is really, really old. And people have gone through a lot to live their faith for a long, long time. You would think that I would have been a bit wiser in my assumptions but I wasn't. I just wasn't all that interested.

Until my beloved grandmother died. Ladies, she was a remarkable woman who turned the most isolating, hopeless situations into opportunities to do good. As a child I thought it was easy for her to be virtuous because it was her. It was only when I was a young woman that she admitted her fears and weaknesses to me. She told me of the times when she thought she couldn't cope. She told me of the dark days when she was literally battling for her life and she still had to raise her children and keep a farm running by herself because my grandfather worked and there were no close neighbors. She told me of the time when she had to carry two young children over a mile to the nearest busy road because her daughter was choking and she had to hitchhike to the nearest hospital to save her daughter's life. And it wasn't easy. Not one little bit of it. In short, she taught me what it is to have true, profound faith in God. She wasn't perfect. She didn't try to be. But she was faithful and it served her well.

I realized that this woman, who nursed me while I was sick and taught be about grace and forgiveness, would continue to do so after her death. I know that she was ready for her suffering to end but not to leave those she loved so much. What would heaven be for her if she had to leave us 'for good'?

The communion of saints suddenly made sense. I know that my grandmother, who struggled so much in life, is now in a place where she can love and guide me more freely. I firmly believe that she guards not only me but also my own children whom she never had a chance to meet in this life. I believe that she knows all about them and takes great joy even in their tantrums (which is more than I can say for myself).

So if I can turn to my grandmother in time of need, why not St. Joseph who guarded over the holy family? Why not St. Thomas Aquinas who struggled through his schooling and was mockingly called the 'dumb ox'? Why not Blessed Mother Teresa who gave her life for the poor? Or St. Monica, patron saint of wives, mothers, and abused women? Or Our Lady who gave even her own child to God?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't go to Jesus in your need. But the saints have been there, done that, as they say. Their struggles are wonderful examples of faith beating the odds. Jesus never said that we should never go to friends for help.

On All Saints' Day the Church comes together to honor those saints, like my grandmother, who led holy lives but are not known widely enough to be canonized. The Church, in her wisdom, does not pretend to have a monopoly on saints. All Saints' Day reminds us that we are all called to be saints. It is in our very nature to say 'yes!' to God. We are, after all, made in His image and likeness. We stumble. We fall. We persevere. That is the message of All Saints' Day.

All Souls' Day http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/01315b.htm

If we are bound together through the ties of love to the saints in heaven, then it stands to reason that we are bound to those we love who are in Purgatory. http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/12575a.htm

For Catholics, purgatory is a place where the soul is purified before she, the soul, can take her place in heaven. Mystics say that after death, the soul, unencumbered by a body and worldly distractions, sees God. If she is not bound for heaven, the soul joyfully plunges herself into a state of purgation. She is joyful because, beholding God's forgiveness, she can no longer offend God and no longer wishes to do so. Her will and the will of God are now one. She sees her own transgressions and willingly submits herself to God's mercy. Her gratitude knows no bounds.

There is a great deal of discussion amongst theologians as to the amount of suffering that goes on in purgatory. For some it's like a spa for the soul. For others it's a place of suffering but with the realistic hope of attaining heaven. Perhaps it depends on the soul. Theologians do agree on the following: It is the soul who casts herself into purgatory and not God and the souls in purgatory cannot pray for themselves. It is possible that the souls in purgatory can pray for us and it is said that once a holy soul, as they are called, attains heaven though the prayers of those on earth, that the one who has offered the prayers has a true friend in heaven. Sadly, the devotion to the holy souls has waned in recent years. Who wants to think about death, or sin, anyway?

I will not say much more about purgatory here but will refer you to an earlier post entitled For the Good of Us Both.

Hell


Ah, yes. Hell. You notice that there are no days honoring or praying for the souls in hell. This is because hell is for the people who have systematically and knowingly cut every tie to every loving relationship. They don't want our prayers. They want to be right. God is Love. If you are in a loving relationship you are automatically in a relationship with God. Many times it is possible to pick out people who are hell-bent. They are selfish, nasty, vindictive, petty, and self-righteous. They never admit a mistake and nothing, and I mean nothing you do will ever be enough. They are, in short, incapable of joy.

Years back I was friends with a woman who, unfortunately, I have since lost contact with. Her father died when she was young. I remember her describing the event as something blessed. He died in peace with his family around him. The room seemed light and warm. Nobody wanted to leave and even the hospital staff took their time removing the body. Everybody felt honored to be there.

She told me that when her mother died things couldn't have been more different. Before her death, the mother would wake from horrible nightmares that she was totally alone in a cold, dark place. She was forgotten and unloved. (According to my friend, her mother was a nasty piece of work. Yet my friend persevered in lovingly caring for her mother during her final illness.) My friend told her mother that this was a blessing from God; a sign telling her to repent and for once accept love into her life. The mother told my friend that that was 'crazy talk' and was determined not to die. But die she did. The room was ice cold in spite of the heater and dark in spite of the windows. The ambulance was called immediately to take her to the morgue and the attendants were eager to "wrap her up and get her out of there".

The Role of the Mother
Looking at my children it is impossible to imagine them in hell. They are so sweet. So innocent. Even the tantrums can be chalked up to lack of food or sleep, being overwhelmed, or a stage of development. And this is exactly true. They are children. But they will not be children forever.

I have always maintained that the role of the mother is to make her children fit for the kingdom of heaven. No matter what her situation, her choice or need to work outside the home or otherwise, she is responsible for her children. Many mothers don't understand this. They want their children to be "happy" and "successful".

I have no problem with kids being happy and successful. The pursuit of happiness used to mean being able to follow your dreams of becoming: becoming independent, being allowed to fully realize your potential without having somebody take it away on a whim. These days it's about 'having it all'. I know women who, feeling that they were cheated of their right to education, work, or sexual freedom, mistakenly instill in their daughters (or sons) that that is all there is.

Here is an extreme example: When I was in high school there was a girl who was 14 years old. Rumor had it that she had been having sex with several of the boys and had an abortion. I also heard (it was a small school so it is probably true) that she attempted suicide later that year. I did hear, while in the school office, her mother saying that she was shocked that her daughter was so depressed because her daughter was raised to be "enlightened, assertive, liberated, and successful". The secretary to whom the mother was speaking looked incredulously at the mother and stated "and do you think that having sex is making her happy or successful?". The mother looked shocked, stammered, and literally stormed out of the office slamming the door behind her.

There are so many directions I could go with this. I have rewritten this paragraph several times. I think that I will simply state that we, as human being and mothers, must always remember that God wishes us to be inheritors of heaven. The way to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven is to be a saint (which we are all called to be). The path to sainthood, to heaven, is a path traveled in the company of God. There. You don't have to live a secluded life. You don't have to fast for forty days. You might never have an ecstatic vision. But rest assured, heaven is the destination for the faithful. And our children are watching us.

I have heard it said that Mother is the name of God on a child's lips.

Ladies, one day we will die. One day our children will die.

Will we be the type of mother who believes that everything our child does is ok because it's our  child? Ok, yes, each one of us deep down truly believes that sunlight does shine from every one of our child's orifices. If we didn't we would sell our children for scientific experiments in return for a good night's sleep. But does that excuse raising our children to be strangers to God? Is, as the mother of the above example, correct in her assertion that worldly freedom is just a right of passage?

Scripture clearly states not. In Luke 15:11-32 (The Parable of the Prodigal and His Brother), Jesus clearly states how the father perceives his son who rejected the love of his father and squandered his inheritance. "for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!" Did the father say that the son was going through a rite of passage? Using his rights? Going through a phase? No. The words 'death' and 'life' were very intentional.

So how do we raise our children to be fit for the kingdom of heaven? I know one mother who raises her children to call God 'papa' and to go to Him in their need. When I pray with my son I begin with 'friend Jesus'. (This gets interesting when he's praying to get his confiscated toys back.) I know one mother who was raising her child to kneel before a crucifix and say the rosary every day. I don't have the solution. Look for me and my kids in heaven in about a hundred years. If we're not there you know I couldn't figure it out.

But if I had to guess? I would say to teach them to love God. Love others. And be grateful.

Good luck, Ladies. This will be the most important thing we will ever do.

So I'm a mom. So sue me.

Hello Ladies,
I haven't written in a while not only because I have been incredibly busy but also because I've been incredibly angry. I really didn't want to write an angry blog but a few moms I know told me that they're angry about the same thing. Nice to know it isn't just me. Let me take you through my experiences. It'll be a bit meandering but there is a point. I promise.


First experience:

I was in a store with my two young children. An older woman, a grandmother, approached me:
Grandmother: Oh, your children are so adorable. They're so well behaved.
Me: (never passing up a compliment) Thank you.
G: I can't take care of my grand kids, you know. They're so energetic. They're pistols. They would be tearing through the store. (laughs) I just can't keep up.
M: Oh.
G: But you're lucky. Your kids are well behaved. What day care do you send them to so I can tell my daughter?
M: Well, my son goes to pre-k half day but other than that they're usually with me.
G: (In a shocked voice) What? There are plenty of good child minding places out there these days. Why on earth would you waste your time staying at home? I would never let my daughter do that!!!
M: (Thinks WTF??? Did I ask you opinion? You like the result but complain about the process? )

Now this isn't a complaint about moms who have to or choose to work. There are many amazing working mothers out there.

I have a couple of points: Children can NOT raise themselves. A great deal of time and effort go into turning a helpless, crying blob into a functional, respectful(and respectable) human being. And we're not even talking about turning children into geniuses. We're still at the basics of routine: naps, snacks, exercise, quiet time. You know, all of the things that, if neglected, turn good natured kids into crazy little monsters. Somebody has to put the time and effort in. And if it's not the mother (or father) you had better hope it is somebody who is trained, responsible, trustworthy, not overwhelmed, and affordable. Not to get too personal but I didn't know that I should bathe regularly and brush my teeth until I was almost a teenager. I still have health issues related to the neglect I suffered as a child. Just the basics takes work and attention.

Here is my second, very different experience:

It was the day before Hallowe'en and the local radio morning show hosted a Catholic priest who was talking about exorcisms. It was actually quite interesting and informative. Among other things, he mentioned that demons hate the Eucharist and Our Lady. He also mentioned that unborn children are particularly susceptible to demonic influence (if the mother is dabbling in the occult) because a fetus does not yet have free will. This might not manifest until the child is around three or four years of age. So, basically, the mother has to worry about prenatal vitamins, what she eats, drinks, breathes AND demonic influence??? No pressure.

Third Experience:

One mother confided in me that a good friend of hers told her that she, the friend, no longer wanted to hear about her child. What is so interesting about hearing all about the milestones that come naturally, anyway? This mother was so hurt by this comment that she was actually crying. She felt that if she were taking care of other children or the poor that she would have been respected. This mother was, after all, devoting her life to the care of the most vulnerable of society. But since it was her own child she was suddenly weak, unambitious, and not very interesting as a person.

So these events (and a few others) got me thinking.

The problem is deeper than a woman deciding whether or not to work/study outside the home because many working moms I've spoken with complain that they are not "allowed" to be moms at work. They are not allowed to mention their kids for fear of derision. They are told they are not serious enough about their work if they have to take care of a sick child. I know one mom who visited her office the day after her child was born to "prove" that she wouldn't let the child get in the way of her career. One mom complained that her nanny got more respect than she did!

If this problem cannot be classified as stay at home vs. go to work, then how to approach it?

Or, to put it another way, what makes motherhood so difficult? I mean, anybody can change diapers and drive a child to the latest kiddie class. So why are mothers so vulnerable? (Other than working 24/7. A nanny friend of mine told me that I was doing the jobs of cook, maid, and nanny. How do working moms manage?? That's four jobs!!)

Answer: Because mothers are called to be life givers in all that they do. We are called to go beyond actions. We are continually challenged to go beyond our sleep-deprived, isolated reality and be "cheerful givers". We must always ask ourselves if our decisions are good for the family because the family is sacred. We are dealing with the most vulnerable in society. And more, from the moment of conception we are guardians of a child's body AND soul. We cannot do this without God's help, even if we don't realize it.

We are living in a society of death. We live in a society where women's bodies are overly sexualized and children are considered inconvenient, expensive accessories.

Ladies, I am now wondering if, like the Virgin Mary, Satan despises mothers. I am wondering if , (and I'm not sure about this spiritual warfare thing even if it IS theologically sound, biblical, and part of our own tradition), evil is attacking the family on the most fundamental level - between mother and child. I don't want to think this way. It sounds crazy to my modern, analytical mind. And yet, I am forced to consider the possibility.

So, Ladies, I am angry. I am angry that the world cares so little about our children that we as mothers are shunned (unless someone has something to sell us). I am angry that our children are shoved in a corner and told not to exist.  I am angry that I am told not to enjoy my kids and delight in their successes. After all, they have come such a long way from being crying blobs. They have worked so hard.

Now, as with any angry rant, this is rather one sided and not altogether accurate or just. But I do have one more thing to say: You cannot ask or beg for respect. You must demand it. If you have a problem with the way I choose to respond to God's call to take care of His children, I will tell you what I tell my children: Neither of us gets everything we want in life. I can't do what you want right now. I'm busy working hard taking care of the family. Now I don't mind working hard because I love my family. But I WILL be respected for it.

Sit Deus Nobis. (May God Be With Us.)

The Hard Times (A Meditation)

Hello Ladies,

Recently a few of my good friends have asked me about getting through some of the tough times in life by discerning God's will for them. I think that the assumption is that because I have written way too many theology papers that I have gained some wisdom as well as information. Well, maybe. But in answer the following is a meditation that I find particularly helpful.

Close your eyes and relax your breathing.

Imagine being in a place of safety that is totally unique to you. It can be anywhere you wish.

Now imagine that God is near.

God has been there since before time began.

God is present now.

God will continue long after we (and our problems) are gone. You are gone. Your problems are gone.

There is only God.

At this point I feel slightly dizzy and in awe. I need God to be my anchor or I will disappear. Your experience may be different.

Now remember that God loves you so much that He created you to be just as you are in spite of your mistakes.

Stay in that loving presence for a few more moments.

Carry that love with you.

Because, Ladies, we are in a relationship with God. And He continually calls us to be in a deeper relationship with Him. So maybe God isn't asking us to do something. Maybe He is simply asking us to love Him in return.

Sit Deus Nobis! (May God Be With Us!)

Stating the Obvious

Hello Ladies,

I am going to say something that should be very obvious: We need to take care of ourselves!

Obvious, right? But speaking with my mom friends I notice that we do silly things like forget to eat or stay up late doing laundry so a child can go to school in her favorite clothes. I've been known to clean bathrooms at 10pm when I need to be awake at 6am the next day. Did the bathrooms really need to be cleaned at that time? Does that little girl need to wear her favorite clothes? Does child #3 really need to take those baby sign language courses (during nap time no less) because children #1 and #2 did and you want to be fair?

We need to step back and look at the whole picture. If we become confused we need to pray for guidance.

I often think that we would lead very different lives if we believed that He wants to care for us as well. We would stop trying to do everything and concentrate on doing a few things with great love. We would stop trying to give our children every opportunity and take the opportunity to spend time with our children. We would stop cleaning bathrooms and take the time to eat and sleep. And yes, pray.

I also find that when I don't take care of myself things tend to fall apart. I need to make it a priority to eat regularly and not just concentrate on feeding the kids and 'getting things done'. Sometimes I let the housecleaning go so I can have a nap. Strangely, the housework gets done anyway. What gets lost is 'me' time and prayer time. Yes, I believe that we can and should pray while folding laundry and washing the dishes. But we must also remember that Jesus chided Martha for working too much and not spending enough time with Him. See? It's biblical! We don't need to make excuses. This isn't a cop-out. Spending time with Jesus on our own and through the sacraments is our right and privilege. We are also daughters of God, made in His image and likeness. This does not change with the birth of a child.

Obvious, right?

Well, I'm off to make some food (and coffee!) then fold laundry.

Sit Deus Nobis! (May God be with us!)

Just a thought

I have been thinking lately how much we live in fear. We fear for our jobs. We fear that we will lose our homes. We fear that we will fail our children. We fear to be weak, vulnerable. We accept this fear. It can become so much a part of who we are that we no longer question it. It guides our actions and attitudes even if it destroys our relationships. It makes us feel safe. 


I just spoke with a woman (who I quite like) who was afraid to have more than one child. She was regretting that her daughter grew up lonely as an only child. I went to university with somebody who was afraid to even attempt to get into graduate school. He didn't want to be rejected. (He would have been a much better scholar than me.) He now regrets his decision. A grandmother once told me that when her own children were small she wished their childhood away. She admitted that she was worried about what other people thought of her and felt like a failure. Again, great regret. 


We have so many fears in our lives. They are even valid. But they cannot be allowed to define who we are. 


Fear, failure, wounds - they are all a part of our story. They are not the main character. If we want to see how our story end then look at Jesus' story: redemption, transcendence, love, acceptance, forgiveness. This is the core of our being because, whether we admit it or not, Jesus is the core of our being.


Just a thought. Think about it.

When We Give

Hello Ladies,

To say that women give too much of themselves is nothing less than cliche. It is said that women give too much whether they are mothers or not. We give too much to our boyfriends/husbands/children. We give too much to our bosses. And are we appreciated when we give so much? Are we respected for our sacrifices? Not if we give without love. 


I have always stated that all our actions should come from CARITAS, love that inspires action. And it can get confusing because some of our greatest acts of caritas are when we feel worn out and we can't give any more. We all remember those newborn days when we wanted to ignore the baby's cries so that we could rest and heal. But we get up anyway. So how can we tell whether we're working from caritas? Let me quote the familiar passage of 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3


If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.


How much of what we do is to conform to the expectations of others? How much of our anxiety stems from what we believe we should be doing instead of what God is asking from us? Who do we listen to? Why not listen to the One who created us simply because He wants to spend time with us? When we spend time with God we become more loving. We become as God created us to be.


Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all thing, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-6)


Isn't that more like it? If children learn from their parents then it's safe to say that this is what Our Father is trying to teach us. If we put our own goals ahead of this (keeping our house perfectly clean, our children perfectly behaved, looking perfect all the time, being the perfect employee, etc.) then we are going to be miserable. 


Spend time with God. Allow His presence into all the parts of yourself that are envious, boastful, vain, and resentful. Ask Him how you can use your time, talents, and treasure more effectively. Go to work with caritas. Bathe your children with caritas. Yes, even do your hair with caritas. (No one says you can't look good.) 


We women work so hard and endure so much. And many times we feel we can endure no more. But if we work with God we will worry less about the burdens others wish us to bear. If we work with God we will choose work worth doing. We will choose caritas over vanity and duty. We will be liberated. And because we are loving, we will find that we CAN bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and yes, endure all things.


Sit Deus Nobis! (May God Be With Us!)

Legacy

Hello Ladies,

I am a big believer that our most defining moments are the quiet ones that go unnoticed. I also believe that these quiet, defining moments are the legacy that we will leave our children.  As you might have guessed this blog is somewhat autobiographical. I don't want to be just another 'mommy blog' but I cannot help but be affected by what goes on around me. 

As I have mentioned in earlier posts an elder of our family has been causing a great deal of suffering because of her addiction. Her sons don't talk to each other or to her. Her poison has spread to aunts and uncles and ever her grandchildren. If this were not bad enough, her addiction has been slowly killing her for years. At this point she literally cannot think clearly. Her body is shutting down. And her family? They are still dealing with the lies and venom that she has been spewing for years. If you were to ask her years ago if this was the legacy that she would like to leave for her children she would be horrified. Now she couldn't stop herself is she tried. And she hates herself for it. She really does.

After much prayer and reflection I think part of the problem is that, for years, she has been chasing after things that she believed that she 'deserved'. She deserved to be right, to be vindicated. She deserved to have nice things ("luxury"). She deserved that cottage by the lake. The house with the pool. And yes, even her addiction. She saw friends, family, even her own children, as things to manipulate. And? And now it is almost over for her. She has few friends and her family is justifiably afraid of her. She still has all of her possessions but they cost money and she can't care for them.

What do we think that we deserve? Ladies, if we follow what society tells us we are going to go crazy. We might not be able to go out to get our coffee a day (that's my big thing). We might not get the career we want. Or the car. We might not even get the children we want (or get them to behave as we would want). We might have to give up a lot of things that have been important to us in the past.

Does this mean that what we want doesn't matter? NO! It matters. WE matter. But it means that we must take care to want what God wants for us. Because, Ladies, God does not want us to die with self-hatred and a family that has been disintegrating for years. He also doesn't want us to stay inside all day taking care of others while giving up our hopes and dreams. We must be creative in our wants just as God is creative. 


What is so wrong with being humble? These days the word 'humility' is associated with being a weak victim whose dreams are dead. In reality, humility is a strength. It allows us to give up our impulsive wants and be guided by wisdom. Think about it. God is not simply something that set up a religious construct that we must mindlessly obey. God dreamed us into being. God formed us in our mothers' wombs. God knows how many hairs are on our heads. When we die, God will call us home by name. Doesn't this sound like someone we should go to for advice? Because, Ladies, no matter how far we think we can go in life God knows that we can go further, be greater, be stronger. 


If we feel that we are overwhelmed maybe it's because we are focusing on the wrong things. If we feel like failures maybe it is because we are listening to the wrong people. So often when we think we don't get what we 'deserve' it is because we are rejecting the grace of God's love. 


We deserve respect as human beings, as women, as mothers, as daughters of God.


I invite you to ask yourself every evening what legacy you are leaving for your children. Some days you must stand up and fight. Some days you must let things go. We make mistakes. We learn. We move on. But we should always invite God help us along the way. We ask for forgiveness, for comfort, for strength, for wisdom. We help each other. But if we do not know our own minds then we cannot know God. And God knows our minds best of all.


Just the other day I asked the son of this bitter woman if he was going to call her on her birthday. He said no because he can't bring her any joy, anyway. And he was right. What sort of legacy is that?


May God heal this family!