Practical Humility- kenosis

Prelude:

Hello Ladies,

I've been trying to write this post for a while now. My life has been a bit of a gong show these past few weeks. Normally I would find this very frustrating and behave accordingly.  (Which is to say I would not have behaved well at all.) Luckily for those around me I've given up needless worry for Lent. Things don't get done the way I wanted them to? No big deal. And instead of praying that things pass me by (please, God, don't make me go to that event tomorrow; I'm much too tired!) I pray that God be with me and give me strength and endurance for the challenges ahead. This lent, I'm letting God decide what is important in my life. The rest will take care of itself.

So without further ado, I present this latest post.

Ladies,

I hope that you've noticed that my theology is very practical. If it doesn't work, don't do it. I may suggest praying the rosary or going to mass but I also know that some non-Catholics read this blog and still want content relevant to their spirituality.

You might have also noticed that this blog isn't very systematic. I don't want to write too much because I don't want to be another 'mommy blog'. It's also very difficult to plan anything on three hours of sleep. I might have more mystic encounters but I don't trust them.

I write what is on my heart. If something tells me that an idea is relevant then I write it. So much for scholarly treatises! (They're as much fun to read as they are to write.)

So of course pray the rosary and go to mass. But don't cheapen them by doing it 'by rote because that is what you're supposed to do'. Jesus is calling us into a relationship with Him. So go! Relate!

I might not be systematic but I have hit upon a theme that I find inspiring in my own life: humility. And believe me, Ladies, I'm going to give you practical reasons why humility is a great thing.

These days when people think of humility they think of an unequal relationship. Someone, usually a man, has more control over another, usually a humble woman. In this case humility becomes a feminine virtue and in this way the unequal relationship is perpetuated. Which is exactly what Jesus was against! (Meaning Jesus is against any form of unequal relationship.) Yet we are called to be humble to be closer to God. So what gives??

Okay, ANY relationship with God is bound to be unbalanced in God's favor. Obviously. So it's a good thing we follow a humble God.

If there is any encouragement in Christ, any solace in love, any participation in the Spirit, any  compassion and mercy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love united in heart, thinking one thing. Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but [also] everyone for those of others.

Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus,
Who though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.

Because of this, God greatly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bend, of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:1-11

We're weak humans. We think that thinking of others first is degrading. Jesus is God and he died on the cross for us. [Enter humble pause here.]

Yet Jesus was also human. So what did he do? He emptied himself. He took the form of a slave. And did God leave Him there? No. God made Jesus greater than Jesus could have ever accomplished on his own if he had selfishly guarded his human vanities.  God did not leave Jesus empty and He does not want to leave us empty, either. This relationship, this self-emptying and being filled by God, has a very profound term: kenosis. Or, if you're Jesus, Kenosis. It is a great mystery upon which the relationship of the Trinity rests. And we are called to be a part of it. (And you won't have to write a 30 page paper to be a part of it either. Lucky you.)

So here is a profound truth of Christianity. 

But let's start with humility. At an earlier post I said that we are called to be humble before God - not man. I really like this definition. But then I heard theologian, Jeff Cavins, define humility as knowing your own limitations and who you are in relationship to God and others and being okay with that.  Once again humility is taken out of an unequal context and is now the empowerment of self-knowledge and the surety of God's love.

How does one become humble? By praying and practice. Practicing humility can be as simple as truly listening to what another has to say. This means NOT thinking of your next words while another is talking. This is such an important skill that there is even a term for it: active listening. However you chose to practice humility you will notice an immediate change in your life and your prayer life. Let me give an example.

This year I gave up undue worrying for Lent. Why? Because I found that this is one of the major stumbling blocks that I put up between me, God, and the rest of the world. Why do I worry? For the illusion of control over my life. What do I seek to control? What others think of me. Is there any way I can control this? Not really.

So what are some of the practical changes I've noticed?  People think I'm wiser because I'm less likely to interject with really stupid comments. Am I wiser? No. But at least I don't look like a total idiot.

I'm becoming more compassionate. Why? Because I'm taking the time to listen to what people have to say instead of making snap judgments.

I am also less likely to worry about what other people are saying or thinking about me because the world is becoming a less dangerous place. They're not out to hurt me. They're probably not thinking about me at all. They're just trying to get through their own day.

There is less drama in my life because I'm not creating the drama. Outbursts with my husband last only a few minutes instead of a few hours because I have faith in our shared love instead of having to be right. This works out better for the whole family. (If my husband reads this and disagrees then he has no idea what goes on in my head sometimes! Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss.)

But, you might say, I've prayed about this humility thing (or something else) and I still don't get it! Well, let's talk about prayer for a minute because we won't get very far without it.

Everything we have comes from God. If we are called to God it is because God has called us first. And God is faithful to us in all things. So why don't we always get what we want?

What is prayer? Prayer is entering into a relationship with God. Many of us, myself included, treat Jesus like Santa Claus. When we do talk to Him we tell him all of our wants. Maybe they're good wants: world peace, meaningful work, conversion of souls. But how do you relate to somebody who just asks for things all the time? Would you put up with that from your spouse? Your beloved? Probably not. You would probably walk away muttering terms like 'need healthy boundaries' and 'not enabling'. You get the idea. So why do we treat Jesus this way? Or we could look at it another way. Here is a conversation I had recently with my son:

Son: Mama, can I have some candy? Please?
Me: No.
S (whining): But why not? I asked nicely.
M: You did ask nicely. But candy has lots of sugar and it's bed time. You won't be able to sleep with      all that sugar and besides, you've already brushed your teeth. I love you. Go to bed.
S: But candy is good and you want good things for me. You love me and want me to be happy!!!
M: I love you too much to argue with you about this. Good night.
S: You're mean! I don't want to talk to you any more!

I walked away thinking that this is how I pray! How does Jesus put up with me?

Now I am much more careful how I pray and what I pray for. My prayers begin with praise and gratitude. Then I ask the Spirit to guide me in my prayers. I am aware (or more aware) of the mercy that God has continually bestowed me in my life. I use the life of Jesus as a model for my life. Or I'm trying to anyway.


Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus,
Who though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.

Humility is a wonderful thing because humility is God-like. The only way to transcend the hollow and painful cares of this world is to become more like Jesus. The only way to become more like Jesus is to spend time with Him. Yes, pray the rosary. Yes, go to mass. Yes, read (nay, PRAY) the bible. Listen. You will find peace. You will see an immediate, practical improvement in your life. But be willing to change. Be willing to let go of things that just aren't that important. Do what is important with great love. Go, beloved child of a faithful God. Go, love your children. Help them grow and change. Lead them by your example and steadfastness. Find the peace that only God can give and bless your children with your faith. It is the best, most practical legacy you can bestow.

God Bless.

Path to Humility - in God's Arms

People were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them, and when the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. Jesus, however, called the children to himself and said, "Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you,whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it." Luke 18: 15-17

Ladies, imagine, if you can, a newborn child in the arms of his or her mother. Imagine that this child has been fed, is clean, warm, and content. Imagine what it must be like for this child who only feels love and security. There is no loneliness because there is no separation. There is no self-consciousness because there is no sense of shame. There is no selfishness because there is no sense of self. The child lives in a state of bliss, only aware of needs being met and the feeling of love and acceptance. This is a child in the arms of his or her mother.

Now imagine how much more God loves this child, how much more God can provide.

Now imagine that you are the child in God's arms.

So we are invited to be if we are to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Think this doesn't apply to you? Then listen to this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you. O you of little faith? So do not worry and say 'What are we to eat' or ' What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek you first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil. Matthew 6: 25-34

It is pretty clear that God loves us and wants to take care of us. We are the ones worrying. We are the ones who are putting up barriers between us and God. We of so little faith!

This is the starting point of humility.

Why do we care what others say about us? We are in God's arms.
Why do look down on others? We are in God's arms.
Why do we belittle ourselves? We are in God's arms.
What do we have to prove? We are in God's arms.

This is the truth of our existence. And this is what we must remember if we are to enter the kingdom of God.

How do we maintain this peace of mind? Through prayer and practice (and practicing prayer). The idea is not to destroy our passions but place our passions at God's disposal.

We need not fear who we are. God created us. We are in God's arms.

Now that you have a starting place to humility, read and pray the Litany of Humility. It will be challenging. But notice, too, how less frightening it is when we know God's love for us.

Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, 
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled...
From the desire of being honored...
From the desire of being praised...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted...
From the desire of being approved...
From the fear of being humiliated...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes...
From the fear of being calumniated...
From the fear of being forgotten...
From the fear of being ridiculed...
From the fear of being wronged...
From the fear of being suspected...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I...
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease...
That others may be chosen and I set aside...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should...

-Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930)

How much more liberating life is when God is in control. How much easier life is when you can just be yourself and not have to perform to the expectations of others. You are already loved and accepted. You are already strong in Jesus. Your debts have already been payed. Now listen to God. Do His will. You are loved. You are complete. You are in God's arms. Now be His hands.

May God Bless You!

New Year, New Look at Humility

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa)

Hello Ladies,

Today I'm going to be talking about a controversial and therefore misunderstood subject: humility. What is humility exactly? The hallowed Oxford English Dictionary defines it thusly:


Definition of humility
noun
[mass noun]
the quality of having a modest or low view of one’s importance:
he needs the humility to accept that their way may be better
Origin:

Middle English: from Old French humilite, from Latin humilitas, from humilis (see humble)


But there is much more to the word. Modern society views humility as a dangerous virtue for women. It is often used synonymously with weak, powerless, silent, and undervalued.

What does this mean for us Marian moms who, like Christ's mother, are called to be humble?

We should have no fear of becoming weak, powerless, silenced or undervalued. We need not try to change who we are as if ashamed of having a strong character or any other gift God has bestowed upon us. There is no need to redefine humility. We just need to put it in the proper context.

We need humility to accept that God's way is better.

It is a disturbing truth that God calls all of us to be humble. After all, what are we compared to Him in His glory?  But let's put it in a different perspective. Blessed Mother Teresa put it this way:

I don't claim anything of the work. It's his work. I'm like a little pencil in his hand. That's all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used.

       Blessed Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa)

Could anybody call Mother Teresa weak? Impotent? Silent and without value?
She transcended religious, cultural, national and political spheres to humbly do God's will. What is the difference? How could she affect such change?

Because she was humble before God.

I have heard from a few sources that she was hell on wheels before man. She would have to be in order to affect such change in the world.

Now it's hard to have the humility of a saint. That is why we must practice. But where to begin?

Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk.
     St. Therese of Lisieux

I love the above quote for several reasons. What mother does not understand the imagery of carrying a child? How many times do we feel our own need to be carried? How many times do we tell those around us that we love them? How many times do we ourselves need to be told? I also love the idea of God taking direct action in our lives. It has been said that young children love not the the people who cater to their desires but those to take care of their needs.

We are God's children. He takes care of our needs.

Now isn't that a relief? God loves me. He takes care of my needs.

Is it too much for me to give up my grudge against my neighbor so that I can focus on what is in front of me? Is it more important for me to talk on the phone with a friend or take care of my crying child? Sometimes we need to let the child cry and talk to a friend for our own sanity. But what if I'm just gossiping? Oops. What if I'm incorrect in my assumptions and I'm spreading false information (while my child is crying)? Double oops. You see the direction this is taking.

If you're at a loss where to begin try the following:

Be quiet. Hang up the phone. Turn off the t.v. and music. God's voice is so great that He needs to whisper.

Thank God for all of your blessings.

Ask God for what you need. Save the wants for later.

If you need to get work done - which face it, you probably do, do what is in front of you with great love.

Pray while you work. If you are cooking then thank God for the food. If you are washing dishes then thank God for the food, dishes, water, soap, and for those who shared your meal with you. etc.

If there is a person or situation that makes you really angry, then pray for that person or situation. (I do this a lot!)

If you have time to get away - Go to mass.

Go to Eucharistic adoration.

Read the bible.

Right now I'm just talking about the small stuff. But our lives are connected by moments. if we do not practice allowing God into the moment then we will be unable to let God in when it really matters. And it only really matters right now.

Hopefully at this point you realize that being humble isn't about labeling your thoughts as inadequate and suppressing them. It's about realizing that your thoughts are so important that they shape your reality and asking God to guide you to a reality far greater and more wonderful than you could possibly imagine.

And if you think that your work as a mother isn't important just think what life would be like if you didn't take care of the basic needs of the household. Ask any child who was neglected or who grew up in sloth or was denied love. Remember that we are entrusted with souls of God's own making, vulnerable and full of potential, just as Jesus was. Just as we are.

Lately I have had real cause to cling to humility. I have mentioned in an earlier post that I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression. It's getting better but you can imagine how my reality has been affected by this illness. I know that perception of events is skewed. Now that I am aware of the situation it is much easier to take a step back and stop taking things so personally. It is a huge relief and has helped the healing tremendously. No, it's not all about me. No, I don't have to fix it. No, I don't have to prove anything. And no, it's not all my fault. Once I admit that things are better than I perceive them to be... well, imagine the liberation from anxiety.

My newborn daughter is now at the stage when she fights sleep because being awake is much more interesting. She's miserable being awake. Sometimes it doesn't matter what I do to settle her down. There is no convincing her that she will be so much happier after a good rest. I often feel that my relationship with God is like this. He knows what I need. He is willing to care for my needs. But my way is so much more interesting, even if it makes me miserable.

It is only in the quiet where I find rest. It is only with God in my heart that I find peace. It is only with God by my side that I can find the strength to do the small tasks in front of my with great love instead of crying on the floor of my closet because I am overwhelmed. It is only by asking God to heal me that I am overcoming my illness. It is only by listening to God that I gain the wisdom to care for myself. All of this because one day I entertained the idea that God's way may be better than mine.

I do not claim to be better than anyone. I do not pretend that I have all the answers. But I do know that motherhood is hard and we need to support one another. I know that some moms look at me as if I have it all together. I don't. Obviously. But, well, how can you go wrong by trusting God?

May God Be with You!



AUTHOR'S NOTE

Imagine my surprise to find out that some of my most consistent readers are women who aren't mothers or even men (who are obviously not mothers, either). Welcome! I'm glad to know that some of my, could I call it wisdom?, has a broad, practical appeal. Please forgive me if I continue to cater this blog to mothers of young children. Trying to broaden the spectrum would probably make my head explode. But feel free to add your comments. We learn from one another.

Jesus' Birthday Gift

Hello Ladies,

I have a feeling that this post will be a strange one even by my standards. The point of this blog is supposed to be documenting a journey that we as mothers take with our children to Christ. As a theologian I believe that if our beliefs do not manifest themselves in a practical way then they are pointless. For example, if your child is NOT the type to kneel in front of a crucifix every day and recite the rosary then maybe it would be better to find a different form of prayer. On the other hand, I have met mothers who make it a daily practice to do exactly that and they do it with a great deal of success.

Christmas is stereotypically stressful. There is a great deal of expectation. It almost doesn't matter what that expectation is. It could be to prepare a feast for a large family. It could be wrapping a zillion gifts. Whatever. So I got to wondering: what would a celebration look like where Jesus himself would feel welcome? This is his birthday party after all. What would He like me to give him for Christmas?

If you ladies have read any of my earlier posts (Legacy and New Life, Death, and Insanity), you know that things have been really crazy in my household. In short, an elder of our family who had a drinking problem recently died. She was mean and slanderous to the end but managed to charm people who did not know her very well. This woman had two sons. One son did everything for her (clean her yard and pool every week etc.). The other son is very good at making lots of money. The first son realized that she was turning him against his brother and vice versa. The other son was not wise enough to realize that she was also slandering him; he believed himself to be the better, more loved of the sons. Despairing of a normal relationship the first son finally severed ties with his brother and had very limited contact with his mother.

Now this mother is dead. Even though this woman was "such a nice lady" who "loved us and both her sons" nobody really wanted to be around her - especially at Christmas. This is the first Christmas in a long time that I have not been asked to take on the burden of her presence. I finally feel free. And the first son? Like he's been released from prison.

So what's the big deal? And how does this relate to Christmas?

Since her death I've felt called to pray for this woman. As a matter of fact, out of the blue a friend of mine told me that she had dreamed of this woman in purgatory. Her dream was almost identical in detail to a dream I had that exact night.

Praying for somebody who you believe to be in your debt is actually rather easy. She needs my mercy and forgiveness after all. (Again, read earlier posts.) I don't like this woman. I have every reason not to like her. I don't much like the second brother, either. But then he's also easy to pray for because he needs prayers so badly. Basically, I've been praying that peace enter the family. I've been trying really, really hard to be gracious and be an instrument of healing. I thought that getting these brothers in the same room without it resulting in extreme unpleasantness would be a miracle.

Then I felt a shift while I was praying. Instead of praying for this woman I felt that she was asking for me to pray with her. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable because suddenly I feel we are on the same level and I'm really still very angry about the lies she's been telling for years. I also feel that she's asking me to pray that her sons will not only be in the same room but praying together on their knees before the Eucharist. The picture is quite clear in my mind. I guess my miracle is too small in scale.

Why do I believe these 'visions'?

The first reason is because God wants peace and unity for all of His children and especially peace within families. Peace is the point of Christianity.

The second reason is that it makes me very uncomfortable and somewhat angry. I much prefer the thought of praying for this woman. I like the idea of her "owing" me. Petty? You bet. Am I proud of it? No. But I feel forced to transcend my limitations. With the grace of God I can do this - even if I don't want to.

There is also a parable which relates to what I'm going through. It's the one about the master who forgives his servant his debts and the servant runs off and threatens another servant who owes money. (Okay, I should be citing this but my bible is in the room where the newborn is sleeping and I'm too tired to google it. If I'm not clear enough just ask and I'll humbly quote and cite the parable. If you have mercy on me though maybe you could just add it in a comment, please. I really need the sleep.) So here's the thing: Jesus has forgiven me my debts by dying on the cross. I owe everything to him. So how can I run back to this woman and say "you owe me"?

A "vision" (would "encounter" be a better word?) that is theologically grounded AND challenges me to transcend my own pride? I do not claim that it is the "truth" but it is compelling enough to take seriously.

Ok - I'm finally getting to how this relates to Christmas. For Christmas I want to tell Jesus that I've actually listened to what He has to say and I'm acting on it. I want him to have a party where people are having fun and celebrating and not fighting. I want him to know that I value him more than my inner dialogue.

It might not sound like much. It probably isn't very much. But I remember a quote from Mother Teresa which says that if you want peace in the world go home and love your family.

After the tragic deaths in Connecticut I really feel like hugging my children. I want them to be raised in a loving family. If that means that I swallow my pride and admit that Jesus died for this woman who constantly rejected his love - I will do it. If it means that God wants me to get down on my knees and pray with someone I really don't like for an event I don't think will ever happen, I will do it.

Because, Ladies, being a peacemaker takes practice. It is who and what we are called to be. And we need God's grace to do it. And our world, our children, need peacemakers so badly. We can no longer afford to wait for somebody else to do it for us. In the West we are told that faith should be in the home. They mean it as in insult. If they knew how powerful that statement is they wouldn't dare speak it.


Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

Happy Birthday, Jesus! 

Good night, Ladies. May God continue to bless you and keep you in His peace.

New Life, Death & Insanity

Well, Ladies, it has been ages since I've written anything. It's been even longer since I've written anything meaningful, if ever. Let me fill you in.

I've been pregnant. If you know me you'll know that I'll take hard labor any day before pregnancy. I become grumpy, nauseated, exhausted, and generally not fun to be around. So it went for about 32 weeks. Then my baby dropped and I started having contractions. My doctor was NOT impressed with this new development and exhorted me to get more rest. I asked if he could babysit my other two children. Not amused, he gave instructions for when to go to the hospital (contractions every 15 minutes apart, water breaking, bleeding, baby not moving) and they would do everything in their power to make sure the baby wouldn't be born early. Except for the bleeding and baby not moving. Then it would be an emergency cesarian.

Through the grace of God I made it to week 38. You would think the doctor would be happy. And yes, he was. But then he was afraid the baby would go into distress. He wanted me to go to the hospital several times a week to have the baby monitored. Once again I asked if he would babysit or if a toddler and a kindergarten age boy would be welcome to run around the hospital while I was strapped to a machine. I mean really, how serious could it be? He ordered a nurse to come to the house several times a week to monitor me. Gulp.

I was induced in my 39th week and my second daughter, a healthy girl named for Our Lady, was born.

Stress over, right?

If you've read my earlier post entitled Legacy, (yeah, I know, it's been so long I have to look it up, too), you know that an elder of our family has been causing a great deal of grief. Right before I became pregnant she was diagnosed with cancer and the idea of another child in the family brought her no joy. In fact, she told everybody who would listen that I did not want this child. We had no business having more than two children. I was overburdened and depressed. You get the idea. Oh, and my husband should be at her bedside at all times. It became difficult even to talk to extended family without hearing - I kid you not - how selfish our family was. Oh, and how much this woman loved us. Everybody was convinced that she would die any day. Everybody was on high alert. This went on for about ten months.  (The family, coincidently, lived far from where she did. They did not even consider going to visit.)

With the birth of our daughter came to obligation to call this woman and tell her the good news. It was from this phone call that my husband learned that the elder was going into hospice/palliative care. She would go from the hospital directly to a center where those with fatal illnesses go to die with dignity. Would he visit her before the end? Of course! She never once asked about me or the child. We didn't take it personally because she was dying. We would keep our joy muted out of respect.

By the time my husband got home from the hospital there were already e mails from family members who were shocked that he was so selfish as not to visit this woman. By the time I got home from the hospital (and in North America you're talking two days maximum for a vaginal delivery) we were getting phone calls from three countries, two continents, and numerous e mails from people wondering why my husband wasn't at this woman's deathbed. They didn't know our daughter had been born. Oh, and she loved us so much!

My daughter wasn't two weeks old when my husband went flying out to see her. She was dying! (tick tock). When my husband arrived everybody (not the family, of course. They weren't there) was shocked to see him. ("Oh, we heard you weren't coming!") He stayed for five days and then came home. ("So soon?")

After all of that this woman lived on for more than a month. (tick tock?)

I do not mean to say that her death is a matter for jokes. I am not resentful that she somehow took attention away from me because she was gravely ill. But I am still angry about the whole thing. Had she been, less, well, deceitful and vicious, my husband would have been able to make sure the baby and I were settled before he went to visit and would have been able to stay longer.

I know that people change as illness overtakes them and they approach death. Sadly, this woman had been behaving this way for as long as we can remember. This is her legacy.

Oh, and she loved us. She was such a "nice lady".

So the funeral came and went. Thankfully nobody expected me to attend. Without this woman egging them on the family stopped calling us to tell us how selfish we are and how misunderstood she was. Blissful silence.

How was I handling everything? I thought I was doing well until I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. There was nobody in the family I could talk to because, of course, I had no business having another child. And besides, I didn't want her anyway. Depression was the proof of our incompetence as a married couple, parents, and human beings in general.

So I reached out to a few trusted friends (and now an anonymous internet community) and asked for prayers. I received some truly beautiful and prayerful responses. One woman told me that she would give thanks to God for the miracles He was surely to bestow on us in our need. Would you believe that I actually became angry with her for that? I mean, a miracle would have been if this elder had given up her addiction to alcohol years ago. A miracle would have been Jesus taking care of my crying baby in the middle of the night because my husband was out of town placating a selfish, slanderous woman out of sheer self defense. A miracle would have been never falling in to depression.

Then I began to wonder: what is a miracle anyway? And what do I truly want?

Well, a miracle is the birth of a healthy, full term daughter.
Thanks be to God!

It would be a miracle if this woman ever makes it to heaven. Yet doesn't God want all of His children to be with Him? Finally! Something to pray for.
Lord, hear our prayer.

God does not want any of His children to suffer any mental illness, temporary or otherwise. He does not wish us to feel overburdened and in despair.
Lord, hear our prayer.

It seems impossible that, because of this woman's meddling, certain members of the family can ever come together in love and mutual respect. But doesn't God desire us to be a part of a loving family?
Lord, hear our prayer.

I am finally understanding that God doesn't really perform any miracles at all. He is capable of anything. I was just so limited in my thinking that I couldn't imagine any peaceful resolutions. For me, the miracles are the change in my perception. God doesn't change. We change. The kingdom of God is here and now.

One night after praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, I felt a huge weight lifted from me.

I understood that Jesus died for this woman and she needs my prayers. She can no longer hurt us and wants us to forgive her and asks for our mercy.

I do not have to come up with witty speeches to defend my family against slander. I no longer have to be right all the time. The slanderous voice is silenced. If I wish for peace then I am invited to peace. I can create peace within the family by being at peace.

It isn't that my pain is unimportant or my view of events isn't valid. We have truly been willfully injured. Yet I am learning that these things pale in comparison to the love of God. And frankly I am not going to wait around for those who have wronged us to give an apology before I start feeling better about life.

So after all of this how am I doing? Better. My husband and I are working together as a team to make sure that I have rest and help. And he is well aware that he asks about the dishes in the sink at his own risk. We no longer feel that we are under siege from family members who were afraid of this woman's viciousness as well. Our children are thriving. I am getting out of a horrible fog and starting be believe that I am a capable woman again. I am looking forward to the future.

If you have made it this far, please pray for Susan.

May God continue to bless you. I will continue to pray for you and in thanksgiving for the miracles He will surely provide for you.

Oh! My! God!

Has it really been months since I last posted? Apparently so. When I began this blog I had dreams of writing profound treatises on the lives of the saints or the holy days in the liturgical year. Ha ha. So instead of being profound I am going for honest in the hopes that there is something worthwhile in the mundanity that is my life.

The main reason that I haven't written is that I am pregnant with my third child. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy and excited. It also means that I am tired, exhausted and cranky. I also have carpal tunnel syndrome which means my wrists always hurt and my hands are always sore and tingly. Luckily for me this will last only through my pregnancy so I only have about 15 more weeks of the pain and then my wrists and hands will be better.

Today is Pentecost, the birthday of the Catholic Church. What am I praying about? I am praying that my daughter will Stop Crying and take a nap. I am praying that a certain elder in my family will turn towards God instead of being deceitful and nasty. I am praying that my hands will be strong enough to fold laundry and wash dishes after I'm done writing this blog. I'm praying that this blog will be worth the pain of typing it.

I know, it's not very exciting. Probably not worth the time it takes to read it. But most of the time following Jesus isn't very exciting. I do not claim to be worthy of intercession for such small things. But I do humbly admit that I am reliant on Jesus for everything - and I mean everything. I could not possibly get through the days (and nights) of constant interruption and demands without God's aid. I am simply tapped out.

Mostly I just want to be alone. This is, of course, impossible when one is pregnant. I want someone else to be responsible for the kids for a while so that I may rest. This is also impossible. But I find I make it through if I'm honest about my pain and loneliness and allow God to work through me. I am grateful for any quiet time, however fleeting, I can spend with God. I acknowledge my weakness, reliance and gratitude and then I am just... quiet. I do not expect tongues of flame or any great signs. I don't want them. I just want to be able to stop for a few minutes and not feel the need to shake or cry. I certainly don't want to think of my 'to do' list. It is a habit, or perhaps a skill, to be able to be quiet for a few moments - one I have not entirely mastered.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus was ever this exhausted when He was preaching and ministering to the sick and lonely. I know that He shook and cried in the Garden of Gethsemane out of fatigue and loneliness. I do not need to pretend to be strong.

Well, Ladies, my daughter is sleeping (a miracle!), my hands are sore and the kitchen needs to be cleaned. Thank you for sharing this part of my journey with me.

Happy Pentecost.

Deus Nobis Sit!

Here I Go Again....Saint Gianna Beretta Molla

Well Ladies, here I go again. Yes, I'm pregnant with my third child.

How do I feel about this? Thrilled. Terrified. Nauseated. Exhausted. Moody. At peace.

If I did not believe that this child is a gift from God I would be in a panic. You see, pregnancy is NOT my favorite state of being. In fact I dubbed my two children "tyrannical parasites" when I was pregnant with them. This is because my body stopped working for me and got to work putting together another human being. My children got the meals, as it were, and I got the table scraps. And considering both my children weighed in over 8 pounds at birth there really wasn't much left to share.

But this time I feel different about things. Maybe it's because morning sickness hasn't yet set in. (Hey, don't discount the importance of feeling physically well!) Maybe it's because after two children my husband has clued in to how best to support me. Maybe it's because I've been there, done that, and have nothing else to prove.

Mostly it's because I've learned to put my fear and inadequacies aside and just praise God for giving me this gift. Because if there's one thing pregnancy teaches a woman is that it isn't about her. And that's ok. Because there is a time and a place for everything. At some points in life it will be all about me. At other times I will humbly do the will of God.

I didn't always think about things in this way. I used to worry about being happy and making others happy. And putting others first is not a happy thought. It sounds too much like giving up or coming in last. But since then God has shown me that putting the needs of others first can be the best for all involved. If you think about it, children love those who take care of their needs - not their wants. Children respond to those who love them and take joy in them and not those who try to make them happy. Do you think I am alone in this?

Ladies, I would like to introduce you to my new favorite saint and role model: Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. (For more information check out the following websites: http://www.saintgianna.org/stgiannalife.htm
http://www.catholic.org/hf/faith/story.php?id=33384

Saint Gianna was a wife, mother, and physician.  She was born in Italy in 1922. When she was pregnant with her fourth child she was informed that she had a tumor in her uterus and was advised to abort so that she could receive medical treatment. She flatly refused, saying that the life her child was more important than her own. She died just seven days after the birth of her daughter.  One could easily imagine that her husband and older children would resent the baby for 'killing' their mother, but no. They recognized that Gianna would have done the same for them and they loved her and the baby more for her sacrifice. Did she struggle with her decision? You bet she did! But ultimately she had faith in God. She died April 28, 1962 and was canonized on May 16, 2004 with her family in attendance. Her feast day is April 28 and she is the patron of mothers, doctors, and preborn children. Her most remarkable attributes were here love and joy for her family and her job as a physician. She is the first woman canonized who was not a martyr and never entered into religious life. She simply did the task at hand with great love and joy.

I know it sounds strange but there is so much baggage attached to being pregnant. Am I talking about it too much? Too little? Am I working too hard? Am I a wimp for putting my feet up every once in a while? But then I think of St. Gianna who took great joy in giving life to others. She would have been thrilled for me because she was thrilled with her own children. This is how I would like to be.

So Ladies, please pray for me as I pray for you. Let us reach out to one another and be as supportive and affirming as we can. What does it cost to say "I'm happy you were born" instead of giving a scowl of disapproval for some imagines offense. We are, after all, children of God and He takes delight in us.

Sit Deus Nobis! (May God Be With US!)