Feminine Genius!

Hello Ladies,

Lately I've been hearing a lot about a "war on women" and "what the church says". The thing is that the loudest voices have never even read humanae vitae or any other document. Many of them haven't even read the bible. One person admitted that he googled passages from the bible to support his point but never read the passages in their original context. As a scholar I find this insulting. I do not tell a lawyer the law. I do not correct a physicist. I do not tell a neurosurgeon that she her published medical paper is wrong because of my lack of understanding. Yet everybody owns theology - without even studying it. And unlike rocket science, everybody is capable of studying theology! 

Well, ladies, do not let it be said that I have not done my bit to inform the population. I believe that women are smart and capable of rational thought. So below I'm listing some links from the Vatican website which discuss the church's view on the role of women is society. Happy reading!

The Feminine Genius.

http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_let_29061995_women_en.html

This is it: The big bad document which prohibits artificial birth control. This was written in the 60's and is somewhat prophetic. Be informed and read it before you judge. 

http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/paul_vi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae_en.html

Have any questions? Contact me and we'll start a conversation. No subject is taboo! These are our bodies, our families. Our sons and daughters are watching us. They respect themselves only as much as we respect ourselves and those around us.

May God continue to bless you!

The Conundrum of the Educated Mother

Hello Ladies,

You're all moms. You know what it's like to be grateful for that job but still wish you were at home with the kiddos. Or maybe you're grateful to be a stay at home mom who wishes she could get out more. This delicate balance is as old as motherhood. After all, women are capable creatures who keep society moving forward in spite of all obstacles - with screaming babies on our hips!

So I'm NOT saying that a woman's place is in the home or convent and that's it. I'm certainly NOT saying that a woman's life is over because she has children. There is a balance and our faith helps us find it.

What got me started with all this? Well, lately I feel like getting out of "mom mode" and using my theology degree. On a practical level this is much harder than it first appears. There are plenty of budding theologians who teach classes, work the speaking circuit and (shudder) blog. How am I to enter this world without putting my family out? And do I really want to?

On the other hand, I'm intelligent, motivated and educated. Shouldn't I be working to my capacity or working toward a PhD.? Should't I be planting the seeds of success now so that I can harvest them when my kids are a few years older?

It's really hard watching the years go by, helping others accomplish things and never seeing your dreams come to light. I don't claim to be the best parent but we've all seen children experience bad parenting. It's devastating. I don't want that for my children either.

So what to do? Being the reasonably good Catholic that I am my first course of action is to pray. After all, God did create me. I'm His daughter, too. He had dreams for me before I could dream for myself. And He can see all things which means that I will never waste my time by listening to His advice.

And do you know what I learned? Not that I'm stuck, but that He really values what I'm doing now. So what if I'm only volunteering for a parish women's bible study? Are they any less worthy of learning His word? (Not that I'm teaching it. But just being part of the group gives these ladies more confidence in their studies.) Should I take any less joy in their process of discovery than He does? And who better to raise my children to know and love Him than me?

In short, do I value what God values? Or would I rather be "a success", admired by the world? If I cannot do what is in front of me with great love how can I call myself Christian at all??

I am forced to admit that God values His children, the people in my home and who I meet in my daily life, more than He values my idea of success.

The beautiful thing about prayer is that it doesn't "keep you in your place" but helps you see the world as God sees it. I don't know where He will lead me but I know that it will be a much better place than I had envisioned for myself.

May God continue to bless you!!

Crazy Days!!

Hello Ladies,

Things here have been crazy and I can't admit that I've been dealing with them well. One of the things I've been struggling with is migraines. These lay me out flat and it is so hard, so hard to do what I need, much less with great love. Mostly I just want to puke and pass out. Yes, my husband is a fantastic support. But when dad is out of commission it takes a few days for things to start to topple. When mom is sick this takes a matter of hours. So instead of being 'laid low' for a half a day it became over a week simply because I couldn't get the rest I needed. Combine this with the well meaning "why don't you just" and "you need time for you" and I was about ready to lose it.

Why do I mention this? Because at some point, no matter where we are or what we do, we are in danger of blowing it. In my case it was behaving poorly to my young children who cannot defend themselves. At other times it might have been yelling at a poor person who works behind a counter. Or perhaps yelling at a cop for pulling me over. You get the idea.

Sometimes my problems should not be the problems of the world around me. I'm an adult. It's not my right to make those around me feel bad. I'm a mother, so it's my responsibility to model proper behavior for my children. Actually,  I have always believed that it is the responsibility of every adult to model proper behavior for children. I seem to be in the minority. But I digress.

Or maybe this digression is important. I don't think that people set out to be jerks. Maybe we've just forgotten that we have a choice and tools to deal with things when we are at our lowest.

One thing I've notices about western society is that we know everything. Yes, people without kids tell me how to parent. Parents tell teachers how to teach. I can tell a physicist until I'm blue in the face that gravity does not exist and then cry when I feel the effects of it. But I still know best, right?

Well, coming from a place where I nearly yelled at my kids for making noise while they were playing nicely with each other, I don't know it all. Obviously.

Let me repeat: I do not have all the answers all of the time. I do not always have it all together. Some days I feel like a failure. Some days I don't like myself very much. And I do not think it is acceptable for others to be the target of issues that I refuse to deal with.

There. Now that I've established common ground let me get to the point: At some point we need to take responsibility and work towards healing so we can be good caretakers of others. But how do we do that?

The first thing is know thyself. This is more difficult than it sounds because we are bombarded with images of how we should be in order to be acceptable. For the purpose of this exercise ignore those voices. Turn off the tv, radio, computer, and phone if you need. to. Keep them off for a day, a week, even longer. Don't worry, the world will continue to spin.

The second thing is to try to see yourself as God sees you. Let me expand on this one a bit. Try thinking of God as the Source of All Goodness. Now imagine God getting down in the dirt, molding your body with His hands (yes, even the bits you don't like). Now image Him smiling at His masterpiece and blowing life into your nostrils.

Imagine the gut-wrenching pain Jesus felt when He walked among us on earth, seeing us suffer. Do you really think that we were created to suffer? Do you really think Jesus suffered and died for us to suffer? Did I go through the agony of childbirth to hurt my children? Do I get up in the middle of the night to comfort them so I can berate them later?

Okay, sometimes I totally blow it with my kids. I shamefully admit this. But the only way I can get through this is to remember that me and my children (and everybody around me) have been created by the Source of All Goodness and bear His fingerprints; our creator is present and wants to help.

When I lose myself I ask God to find me. This is a simple thing but it is hard. I have been abused and neglected as a child. I have suffered postpartum depression. Twice. I know what it is to be lost, over and over. This works.

I am reminded not that I am nothing, but I am in communion with all around me. Those who suffer despair suffer from isolation. We can do nothing on our own. My suffering is important because it reminds me that I can still achieve great things in the midst of seemingly impossible odds. I am stronger than I think. It also reminds me of what is important. Do I need to take a break? Will the world end if I do? Will I end if I can't? My choice.

I am reminded of God's grace, and I am thankful. I am not thankful for my suffering but for God's steadfast mercy. One day the house was a wreck. My husband would be home soon and I wasn't up for explaining why the kids weren't in bed and the kitchen a mess. (I was assuming that he would judge me and find me failing.) My children were eating and having fun together. (Telling potty jokes, no less. They did NOT learn this from me!) And I was about to lose it! So I took a moment where I was and I asked Jesus to enter. Then in my mind's eye I saw Jesus sitting at the table with my children and he was laughing! I felt a rush of peace. Suddenly the mess was no big deal. There was no need to start yelling. Jesus was delighting in my children, potty words and all. So I bit my tongue. And you know what? By the time my husband came home the house was clean and the children had gone to bed nicely. Don't tell me that wasn't a miracle! My husband told me what I great mommy I am. Gosh. And it almost wasn't so.

Sometimes I need to spend time alone with Jesus. I love going to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. I can ask Jesus what He wishes me to do.  He never wastes my time. I allow Him to remind me of who I am. After all, He did make me. And in all honesty, He likes me better than I like myself. And I cannot be at peace with others unless I am at peace with myself.

But now I must go and make food for my family. One day the children will be off and I will not have the opportunity to 'do for' them.

May God continue to bless you!

Forgiveness- At Last!!

Hello Ladies,

If you've read any of my earlier posts you know that I have a problem with forgiveness. Or perhaps I should say that I have a problem forgiving others. I know that withholding forgiveness is a heavy burden that I impose on myself. But really, how can I forgive when I did nothing to deserve such treatment?

One of the latest instances has to do with the behavior of an elder family member around the time of the birth of my third child. This elder resented my latest pregnancy and told all of the family who would listen (and who wouldn't listen to an elder?) that I did not want my child and had no business being pregnant. So around the time of the birth of my precious child we were receiving phone calls and e mails stating that "the child should not be".  It also happened at this time that the elder in question was dying. You might think that the illness had some part to play is this horrible behavior but it was not so; this elder was known for lying and selfishness. For the life of me I cannot understand why other family members would add to the drama. This send my little family into a tail spin and I sunk into postpartum depression.

Several months ago I was praying about this. I was ranting to God about the unfairness of the situation. It has taken almost two years for those closest to this elder to admit that the baby might actually be wanted, loved, and well cared for and that my husband and I were in no way slighting this elder by having a baby. So as I was pouring my heart out to God,  I heard him speak in my heart: "Yes, it was wrong. You were trying to honor this elder but this elder did not allow it. You daughter is precious to me and I rejoice in her. But before you take this too far remember that I was with you the entire time." Boom! Suddenly a floodgate of memories opened up and I was able to see so many blessings  given during that time. I realized that God truly has been with us the entire time.

For me, it all began with gratitude for God's grace and wanting to remove all obstacles that I place between me and God.

So I went to confession.

You might wonder why I, who was wronged, would go to confession. Well, Ladies, all that I can say is that I really needed healing and in the confessional I encountered Jesus the Great Physician. If you have chronic pain you go do a doctor and let the doctor make the diagnosis so that you can heal. I wanted healing. And I found it.

As I left the confessional I realized why I couldn't forgive this elder before: Because you cannot give to others what you yourself do not have. I could not forgive because I did not have forgiveness. Think of all the time I wasted in anger!

It comes down to this: when you allow yourself to harmonize with Love your heart is too full for anger. When you feel that healing and peace you will happily let go of anything that keeps you from the Source of that healing and peace.

I cannot wait to go back to confession. (And since I am so much more at peace with myself those around me have been asking what I did to change. Imagine!)

May God continue to bless you!

Mariam Mom

The Power of Words

Hello Ladies,

Lately I have been faced with something that saddens me to no end. Some of my friends from long ago have been speaking really, really nasty things. They have been going beyond political activism to outright viciousness. These are good people. Maybe when I was younger I would have appreciated their cutting remarks as a form of clever humor. Now I see it for what it truly is: a way of destroying bridges and building walls of isolating self-righteousness. Opposing political views I can handle, but not meanness.

It gets worse.

To be fair, I went to the websites that my friends had been quoting. Wow! What slander! I cannot believe that my friends would consider anything based on repetition, loudness, and catchy slogans. But they are. Try to discuss with them? Suddenly I'm a bigot or worse.

I had been inclined to make careful consideration of their opinions but I can't find any substance other than "I'm right, you're wrong, and you have no compassion if you dare disagree." I am forced to shake my head in sadness.

We deal with situations like these all the time. It can be a belligerent family member or somebody on the street. It can be a political rally or the evening news. At some point we're going to have to deal with the power of words.

And our children are watching. We are the ones who teach them whether or not it's okay to hurl insults at others. We're the ones who intentionally watch or avoid shows that degrade others.

Notice that my sadness is not due to my friends having opposing views, but that they would rather hurt me than talk with me. I doubt that they even know what they are doing.

At church the other day I found a prayer card talking about the power of words. There is no copyright, author, or company name stated or I would cite it. But before I read this prayer card I had not really put together the use of words and the sudden anger in society. Now it seems much clearer to me.



The Power of Words

Detraction: repeating something true without good reason (Sirach 21).

Racial jokes that encourage hatred or sexual jokes which use impurity for entertainment (Ephesians 5:3-4)

Calumny: talking about someone's faults. "Do not judge, and you will not be juded; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned..." (Luke 6:37).

Sarcasm: a way to put others down and disguise it as humor.

Arguing: speaking nasty or using biting remarks.

Criticizing: constant complaining and scolding to vent rather than a desire to help another out of love (Proverbs 21:9).

Breaking confidences: "Don't tell anyone else, but..." (Proverbs 11:13).

Listening to the words of others can be wrong: "An evildoer listens to wicked lips; a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue" (Proverbs 17:4).


Pretty scary, isn't it? I know I'm guilty of all of the above.

But there is hope. Words of patient love always prevail. Don't believe me? Ask the Roman emperors. Ask how the Soviet Union felt when the Polish people began chanting "we want God!". Ask the US government when Martin Luther King Jr. cried out "I have a dream".

Slogans are not truth. Emotional arguments are not truth. Insults are not the truth. If someone uses these tactics to push an agenda or gain ratings they are not speaking the truth. Do not listen to them. If they tell you to mistrust your neighbor do not listen. If they can not calmly state their arguments then they have none. If they tell you that you cannot work towards healing, they are wrong. Remember that we need to treat others with respect and dignity, just as we wish to be treated with respect and dignity.

Someone disagrees with you? Love them. Who knows, they might be right. Someone refuses to listen to you? Love them. We know the truth. The truth is a Word. And the Word was God. And that word is Love. Want to be on the right side of history? Love. Always.



May God continue to bless you.

Living on a Prayer

Hello Ladies,

The strangest thing happened to me a few months ago.

I was thinking back to the drama that was happening in my family at the time my youngest daughter was born. It's really hard to let it go of the pain because there was so much nastiness going on. (Look back to entries from 2012 for more details.) I'm not really into drama. Been there - done that. So it seems really unfair that other people's drama should have poisoned what should have been a beautiful experience. But it did.

So I began to pray: "God, why did this have to happen to us? It was so wrong! What did we do to deserve it???" Like Job, I demanded an answer from God for my suffering.

And God answered. Suddenly peace filled my entire being. And then I heard a whisper in my heart: "My daughter, you are right. It should have been beautiful. Your family did nothing to deserve such cruelty. But I was with you every moment and I carried you through it."

Some people might think that this is too little, too late. And really it is. I gave too little, too late. What would it have taken for me to have trusted God from the beginning of the ordeal instead of being angry that He didn't act in a way that I wanted Him to??? Or maybe I did trust in Him and that is what got me through the dark place of post-partum depression?  Or maybe it's a bit of both. Or maybe I'm just asking the wrong question.

So I began to pray again. This time I thanked God for ALWAYS being there for me and asked Him to increase my faith. But I'm finding this easier because I know I didn't get through the depression or the family drama on my own. Now I can enjoy my life and my children. That dark, lonely time is only a means to increase my compassion for others who are trapped within the teetering chemistry of their brains.

I know this change in prayer is working. Instead of asking to change my circumstances, I'm asking God to give me strength to get through this moment. Then the next moment. Then the next. Walking with Jesus on a journey with no limits is pretty darn cool.

Sometimes I hear about spiritual warfare. It's an intriguing concept though it's not one I've really taken seriously. I don't know if it's cool or hokey and slightly paranoid. But I will say that faith in God's love for me and my children has led me out of some really dark places. Looking around, I notice that the world has become a cynical place. Joy is being traded away for instant gratification. Prayer is considered a superstition. A good friend of mine from way back, one who was once comforted by the prospect of being prayed for, literally laughed in my face when I mentioned prayer.

I begin to wonder if prayer, beginning with gratitude and ending in faith, is not a power in its own right. If it were merely superstition, why would it be so upsetting? (Knock on wood and no jinx!) Why would people prefer to believe that love is merely an emotion or a limited resource? Why is it so hard to believe that we are worth dying for? I think that if we understood the love that God has for us that our world would be a more beautiful place. And yet, we too afraid to reach out for our birthright.

I have no answers tonight. I only have faith that God knows what He is doing.

(Jesus, I trust in You!)

Heavenly Father, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for having taken such wonderful care of my family when I could not. Please grant us the grace to see you working in our lives. May we always have the courage to do what we know is right, especially when it is difficult. Help us to forgive ourselves and others for the suffering we encounter in the world.  My we always trust in your Sacred Heart.

For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

May God continue to bless you!

Peace?

Hello Ladies,

In spite of all the wars, misery and pettiness in the world I am experiencing an unshakable calm in my soul. It's as if Jesus is about to come to heal the world and make things right. I'm trying to rationalize myself out of it. It can only lead to disappointment. Or could it be I'm feeling the peace that only God can give resulting in, well, hope for all humanity? If the latter, bring it on!!

May God continue to bless you!

Mariam