The Integrity Project - Introduction

Hello Ladies,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Yes, I’ve been busy with “mom stuff” but I’ve also been working on giving my writing some direction. My time has not been wasted; I’ve come up with a purpose for my ramblings.

You see, the more I thought things through the more I came to realize that the challenges we face are far deeper than the day-to-day challenges of being a mother. As far as I can tell the greatest challenge is that we live in a “me” centered soulless society. We live in a society that does not value sacrifices made for others. Or perhaps you live in a society where women are expected to do nothing but give until you are a hollow shell of a human being. Either way, love, respect, and integrity are treated as finite resources which cannot nourish everybody and therefore need to be hoarded and fought for.

Some people say that religion is the answer. Obviously I agree in some part to this. But to place religion over what God is calling you to do is idolatry. Since this would be breaking the first commandment I cannot say that this is the whole answer. Let me then say that religion should be used as a form of grammar that helps you communicate with God. If you have no understanding of the grammar of your mother tongue it will be very difficult for you to communicate in your own language and impossible to learn a foreign language. Do not be afraid to respectfully question your faith.  As Jesus said:

I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not now that the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another. (John 15:15-17 NRSV)

Friends have conversations. Friends listen to one another. Friends support each other. Jesus invited us into a relationship of dignity and strength. He calls us to be greater than what we tell ourselves we are capable of because his resources are infinite.

As I write I will be addressing the following questions. My answers will begin in the simplest terms and work their way up to a more theological and Catholic understanding. I understand that many not Catholics read this blog. I do not try to make it all things to all people, but make Catholic teaching accessible to all. It is my hope that any reader will be able to grow in faith and wisdom without feeling that my way is the only way. My way isn’t the only way. It probably isn’t the best way. (This is not only a blog but a conversation. If you have any other ideas please let me know.):

• What is prayer? How can I use this new understanding to strengthen my life? How can I approach Catholic prayers and sacraments to make them more meaningful?

• What is mysticism? Am I called to be a mystic? How can I deepen my relationship with God? How is mysticism used in the Catholic church?

• What are virtues? If they are supposed to be good then why are they often portrayed as demeaning? (Humility, obedience, etc.)

• What is conversion? How can I use this understanding in my everyday life? Do I need to give up my own dreams of work/ commercial success to be a good mother?


These are only a few topics that I have come up with. Please let me know if there are others you would like to have addressed. The underlying question is how God is calling you to live your life to the fullest, secure in love and dignity.

I look forward to sharing with you!!

Change of Name

Hello Ladies,

Earlier today I searched "Theology Mom" on the internet and found that it was being used by a Christian homeschooling mother. I honestly believe that I had the name first but hey, she's really dedicated to her calling as a Christian mom. So in order to avoid confusion I have renamed myself "Mariam Mom". I chose this name to distinguish myself from all the other "Marian moms" out there. Mariam was also my conformation name. And my husband liked it. So there you go. Hopefully this will lessen any confusion.

Blessings to all,

Mariam Mom

Litany of Forgiveness

Hello Ladies,

If you have been following my blog you have noticed that I talk a fair bit about forgiveness. It's because I'm really bad at it. Or, should I say, I'm really bad at the 'forgive and forget' attitude. I don't believe that bad things happen 'to help us grow' or because they are 'God's will'. Sometimes people decide to hurt others. Sometimes people just don't care about the consequences of their actions. Some people are, to put it politely, jerks. And in no way are some of their actions ok. Sometimes it is not a question of misunderstanding. Some actions are truly evil. God did not put them in our path. God does not condone them. We do not deserve them. But still, bad things happen to good people. Or, in my case, a mediocre person.

And yet, we are called to forgive. WHY???  It is not enough for me to hear 'forgive so you will be forgiven'. I simply don't like myself that much. There are a whole host of things I have not forgiven myself for. Nor do I believe that I should be forgiven. (No, nothing dire. Just for part of my life I was a bit of a bitch. I didn't want to be but looking back there is no other word to describe me.)

So if I'm not willing to change on my own account, why should I change at all?

Because I love Jesus. There you go - I have become a Jesus freak!

Let me explain the only way I can understand forgiveness. When Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane, he did NOT want to suffer and die. He really struggled with this one. But listen carefully: He did NOT say that his feelings and fear did not matter. He did NOT say that he 'deserved it'.  Jesus did NOT squash his feelings, pretending that they were wrong or bad. Instead, he placed them in the hands of God. Jesus accepted torture and death because he asked God if it was truly His will. I wonder how many of us do that?

When Jesus died, he forgave his attackers. He was innocent. He knew he was innocent. And yet he went to his death like a lamb going to slaughter. He forgave them because "they know not what they do".  Jesus took the time to discern God's will. In so doing he discovered that it is God's will that we should be more God-like. God is forgiving. We must be forgiving.

This was a total a-ha! moment for me. Instead of believing that my feelings don't matter, that I'm some sort of cosmic punching bag existing so that others could learn their lessons, I realize that God wants me to be more like Him!! What a difference!!

Forgiveness is a process. It's not an act of will. It begins with gratitude for the mercy God has shown me. With that gratitude comes the desire to live the life God wishes for me. And believe me, God has a lot more compassion towards me than I do for myself. So I spend time with God. If a situation really brings me down then I ask God if the situation needs to change or if I need to change. Probably both. Because really, even if I behave properly, my thoughts can be rather snarky. Again, not what God wants for me.

But how can I let go? A pries, Fr. William,  taught this in a homily the other week. I call it the litany of forgiveness.

Think of the person/ situation that needs healing. Include yourself.

Speak the following words:

I have wronged you.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

Now I know it's hard when a certain person has intentionally hurt you or somebody that you love. They were wrong! It's also easy for me to let my anger for another affect my relationship with God.  Yet I firmly believe true forgiveness is like relinquishing a rotten apple in order to enter a feast. We are called to be more like God.

There have been times these past few weeks when I've literally stopped what I was doing, bowed my head, and recited this litany in my heart. (My husband thinks I'm slightly nuts when I do this but he's used to me being slightly nuts.) And you know what? I feel better after saying it. I feel a tiny bit of healing. The warm feeling might last only a few moments but it's a few moments without bitterness. It also keeps my anger and feelings of inadequacy from spilling over to my husband and children. Mostly though, I feel loved when I say this. Yes, loved. Because I feel like I'm participating in something beautiful and divine.

May God Continue to Bless You!!

One of Those Days- kenosis

Dear Ladies,

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up angry? When you resent having to get breakfast for the kids and change the baby's diaper? You know you should be grateful for all of your blessings but you don't and that makes you feel even worse...

Tonight I want to go to adoration but if I do then the kitchen won't be cleaned and I'll be totally unprepared for tomorrow. It's easy to say that things will work out when you're not responsible for getting the tedious details of life done. So I have the desire to take care of myself spiritually but I have to weigh that against the physical need for sleep. It's all so unfair. How can it be so hard to have a half hour alone with the Lord?

Yes, this is exactly how I feel now. It's not nice. It's not joyful. I'm not beaming with pride or personal fulfillment. I just feel tired and worn out. And alone. And yes, angry. I would give anything for a call from a friend right now (as long as she wouldn't mind talking while I clean the kitchen). These feelings are normal. They're honest. Feeling this way doesn't make me a bad person. God knows I'm weak.

How do you know when you give too much? When you cannot give joyfully. What do you do when you cannot give joyfully but still have to give more? Invite Jesus into your kitchen and talk to him while you clean. Some of my best prayer time happens when I'm washing dishes or folding laundry. Usually I say things like: "You know I'm doing this for You, right? I mean, I don't take any particular pleasure in cleaning the same cup for the fifth time in one day. The night is lovely and I would much prefer to be going for a walk. But am I? No! I must love You and my family a whole heck of a lot to put up with this!" Okay, so it's juvenile. But it beats saying: "I cannot believe how ungrateful my family is. I feel so powerless and unappreciated. If I go out this late then I'll really regret it in the morning. How fair is that??"

I added the word 'kenosis' to the title. Kenosis is emptying one's self so that God may enter. It doesn't mean that our own thoughts aren't important. Our thoughts are so powerful that they can invite in or shut out the grace of God. Our thoughts are crucial. We must use them wisely. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, or stuff my emotions into a corner and pretend that they are unworthy of notice, I'm going to clean the kitchen and know that I'm doing it for love of Him and my family.

Life is hard. No matter who you are or what you do - it's hard. Whether you have one child or a dozen -  it's hard. It's so easy to believe that others have it better than you. They don't. We still have to finish the tedious details of everyday life. They're not sexy or fun. But they need to be done. And we can invite God to join us or we can shut Him out. I've done it both ways and I prefer the former. My way might be a little bit messy - but so is my kitchen.

May God continue to bless you.

The Joy of Humility

Dear Ladies,

The joy of humility is acknowledging your own insignificance and knowing that you are loved, cherished, adored and indespenseble anyway.

May God continue to bless you.

Why We Do It.

Hello Ladies,

These last few days I've been working on a post that is really, really angry. I make some good points in it. It's about isolation. It's about constant interruptions. It's about not being able to finish a sentence, go to the toilet by yourself, and not being able to get a child to go to bed. This is the stuff of early motherhood is made of. It is real. It is frustrating. And happily, it's not what this post is about.

You see, moms don't do it for the money or the glory. We do it because it is in front of us. If we do it with great love then we can get by. We can also do the same tasks feeling defeated, bitter, and covetous. Some mothers don't do it at all and the children are physically and/ or emotionally neglected. But when we do change that diaper, we never, ever do it for ourselves.

So why do we do it?

Today I took my girls to visit my dad. My dad is now totally bed and wheelchair bound. He is now confined to his bed for several weeks (except for doctor's appointments) due to sores on his bottom. He has to use a bed pan. I am typing with tears in my eyes. My mother died before my children were born so I know that as awful as it is to see my father this way, at least he is with us. Was he lying there feeling sorry for himself? Was he bitter because I have a future in this life and his is winding down? No. He lay there, helpless, with sores on his bottom, a model of integrity.

He spoke to me about how the picture a my 8th grade teacher took of us dancing during the Valentine's Day dance at school. I was picked on in the 8th grade. When I saw that picture posted on the classroom wall I thought it would fuel more bullying. Instead the other girls were jealous.Their dads never danced with them. I got a copy of that picture, put it in a cheap frame and gave it to my dad for Christmas. He still treasures it - cheap frame and all.

He told me that my daughters (and son) are beautiful - they look like their mother. (For the record they look like my husband's side of the family.)

When I complained that my youngest daughter had been fussy and only wanted mama, he laughed and told me it was because I was doing such a great job. He told me it was a sign of trust.

He thanked me for raising his grandchildren with love and discipline.

He thanked me for bringing the children over.

When I had to leave (the baby was fussy) he told me that it was my job to take care of my children, not to worry about him. Right now my children are safe in bed. I worry about my dad.

I love my dad. He's awesome.

Writing all this, I realize that it's easier to do those silent, hidden, tedious tasks set before me with great love because I am loved. I also have someone whom I adore who believes in me.

One day, sooner or later, my father will die. My mother, with all of her problems, died, if not at peace, then in hope. I believe that she is now in heaven.

Ladies, we all come from God's imagining. Our potential is greater than we can ever comprehend. We are born. We are broken. We are scattered. If we are very lucky, our lives become a love song, sung in harmony with those who have dared to sing since the dawn of humanity. Maybe the tune will continue without our voices, but the result will be greatly diminished. We are unique. We are important. We are a single thought given form and freedom to become greater in our capacity to love.

When I held my son for the first time I stopped seeking knowledge and began seeking wisdom.

It isn't that my children deserve "the best". They deserve the best from me. And my father, in his helpless, childlike state, knows that the only thing to regret is that which we failed to do for others with great love. That and not being able to play on the ground with the grandkids. But now I'm crying again.

May God continue to bless you.

A Question for My Readers

Hello Ladies,

To date my blog has been more of a ramble than anything organized. Sometimes I think this is a huge failing. To this end I am working on a systematic theology for mothers based on Pope John Paul II theology of the body, Marian theology, Blessed (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta, and various mystics.

If there is any questions, theological or otherwise, you wish to have addressed please do not hesitate to let me know.

Sincerely,

Theology Mom