Sunday, February 27, 2011
COMMENTS
Hello Ladies. For some reason the comments still aren't working. If you read this please try to comment. If it doesn't work please let me know by sending a message to marianmoms at gmail dot com. I would love to hear some feedback. Thanks.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
In His Image
Have you ever really thought about what it means to be made in the image and likeness of God? When my son was born I would joke that it meant that God must be chubby and have kissable cheeks. When my daughter was born I joked that it meant that God had a smile that could light up a room and can scream like a banshee.
All joking aside - being made in the image and likeness of God means that we were created to be in constant communion with Him. Let's think about this for a minute. It means that our most basic, natural state is to be connected to God. Our home is with Him, our Beloved, who formed us in our mothers' wombs out of desire for us. To have a relationship with God should be as easy as falling in love with the one person who you know will never, ever reject you or say that you are not good enough. Wouldn't you love to be in a relationship with someone like that?
Yes, we have original sin. We are not perfect and we turn away from God. But God loves us so much that He is willing to lower Himself to our level and raise us beyond our own flawed capabilities. Some very powerful ways God leads us into relationship with Him is through the Sacraments. (I am personally becoming more dedicated to the Eucharist, Christ among us.) But unless we're very good, devout, and organized moms we might not make it to Mass. Or if we do we spend most of our time in the foyer of the church with a crying child. It is easy to get discouraged because we know that we rely on God but can't seem to do enough for Him.
This is where remembering that we are made in His image can come in handy. Yes, going to church is very important. Reading the Bible is very important. But for those days (and nights) that we've been dealing with a fussy, teething baby and a toddler who really is trying his best to get to the potty on time... Think of it this way: Imagine that you are having one of those days when the baby is in abject misery from teething, the toddler is running around like a maniac (and is smelly), the house is a wreck and lunch (which is late) is about to burn and Jesus knocks on the door. Do you say "Sorry, Lord, you deserve so much better. Can you come back when the house is clean, the children are clean and content and I can fix a lovely meal for you"? Or do you say "Lord, it's not much but this is my life and you are welcome to share in it. Would you like a grilled-cheese sandwich or hot dogs. Or we can always order pizza."
There are times to be somber in the presence of God. There are times when we dress up, tell the children to be quiet and get on our knees before our Lord. But we cannot wait for everything to be perfect before we approach Jesus or invite Jesus into our lives. And we certainly don't have to climb high mountains in exotic lands and spend years chanting strange mantras in foreign languages (well, maybe Latin) to find inner peace. Our natural state is to be in communion with God. So take a deep breath and for a few moments (you might not get more) be yourself in the presence of your Beloved. Remember that Jesus loves you in the most perfect way. You do not need to be perfect. You do not need to have all the answers. Remember that being in communion with God is as easy as being yourself: the person God, out of love, created you to be. Then go and change that diaper.
All joking aside - being made in the image and likeness of God means that we were created to be in constant communion with Him. Let's think about this for a minute. It means that our most basic, natural state is to be connected to God. Our home is with Him, our Beloved, who formed us in our mothers' wombs out of desire for us. To have a relationship with God should be as easy as falling in love with the one person who you know will never, ever reject you or say that you are not good enough. Wouldn't you love to be in a relationship with someone like that?
Yes, we have original sin. We are not perfect and we turn away from God. But God loves us so much that He is willing to lower Himself to our level and raise us beyond our own flawed capabilities. Some very powerful ways God leads us into relationship with Him is through the Sacraments. (I am personally becoming more dedicated to the Eucharist, Christ among us.) But unless we're very good, devout, and organized moms we might not make it to Mass. Or if we do we spend most of our time in the foyer of the church with a crying child. It is easy to get discouraged because we know that we rely on God but can't seem to do enough for Him.
This is where remembering that we are made in His image can come in handy. Yes, going to church is very important. Reading the Bible is very important. But for those days (and nights) that we've been dealing with a fussy, teething baby and a toddler who really is trying his best to get to the potty on time... Think of it this way: Imagine that you are having one of those days when the baby is in abject misery from teething, the toddler is running around like a maniac (and is smelly), the house is a wreck and lunch (which is late) is about to burn and Jesus knocks on the door. Do you say "Sorry, Lord, you deserve so much better. Can you come back when the house is clean, the children are clean and content and I can fix a lovely meal for you"? Or do you say "Lord, it's not much but this is my life and you are welcome to share in it. Would you like a grilled-cheese sandwich or hot dogs. Or we can always order pizza."
There are times to be somber in the presence of God. There are times when we dress up, tell the children to be quiet and get on our knees before our Lord. But we cannot wait for everything to be perfect before we approach Jesus or invite Jesus into our lives. And we certainly don't have to climb high mountains in exotic lands and spend years chanting strange mantras in foreign languages (well, maybe Latin) to find inner peace. Our natural state is to be in communion with God. So take a deep breath and for a few moments (you might not get more) be yourself in the presence of your Beloved. Remember that Jesus loves you in the most perfect way. You do not need to be perfect. You do not need to have all the answers. Remember that being in communion with God is as easy as being yourself: the person God, out of love, created you to be. Then go and change that diaper.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Let's Be Honest
The strangest thing happened to me the other day. I happened to call a good friend of mine who I hadn't heard from for a while. (It was a bit more than 'just happened'. I really felt that I needed to get a hold of her.) When I was finally able to get her on the phone she told me that I was exactly the person she needed to talk to because she was going through a rough time. Through all her trials she was trying to be a good mother to her children. She felt overwhelmed and embarrassed. And why didn't she call me earlier? Because I send out a mass e mail to friends and family about my life and kids. Since this e mail goes to family members who are not always (or never) supportive of us I always make them upbeat. I didn't write them in that way to make us appear glorious. It wasn't for vanity. It was a form of self-preservation from cranky relatives who claim that their kids were potty trained, sleeping through the night and reading the newspaper by their first birthday. But my poor friend mistakenly believed that I had something that she lacked. In a way I do: a propensity to make sins of omission in my mass e mails.
So let me be honest.
I have been known to swear at my babies (obviously not my son now that he can talk) when they wake me up for the fifth time in one night.
I have turned off the baby monitor and let my daughter cry herself to sleep when she was tired and overstimulated and I couldn't sooth her.
My husband has found me curled up on the floor in the middle of the night crying out of frustration and sleep deprivation.
I am about to despair of feeding my son anything but cheerios and crackers.
My son is three and a half and is still not fully potty-trained. He does not read the newspaper. My daughter is almost a year old and will eat the newspaper.
I'm saying this because we moms get so much criticism that we tend to hold back instead of being honest and helping each other. I may be Theology Mom and my children are a gift from God but some days the only proof of the Holy Spirit is working in my life is that I haven't eaten my young. They are good kids. I love them. But being a mom is hard work.
Maybe it's our brokenness, our weakness and imperfections that make us shine.
So next time you see a mom heading out to the street with a baseball bat because some motorist woke up her babies by idling his car in front of her apartment and playing loud rap music don't be so quick to judge. It's probably me.
To my Dear Friend: If you read this - you are normal and you are an AMAZING mom. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to let God work in your life.
On a totally unrelated note you, the reader, should now be able to post comments. It would be nice to see is anybody is reading this. :)
So let me be honest.
I have been known to swear at my babies (obviously not my son now that he can talk) when they wake me up for the fifth time in one night.
I have turned off the baby monitor and let my daughter cry herself to sleep when she was tired and overstimulated and I couldn't sooth her.
My husband has found me curled up on the floor in the middle of the night crying out of frustration and sleep deprivation.
I am about to despair of feeding my son anything but cheerios and crackers.
My son is three and a half and is still not fully potty-trained. He does not read the newspaper. My daughter is almost a year old and will eat the newspaper.
I'm saying this because we moms get so much criticism that we tend to hold back instead of being honest and helping each other. I may be Theology Mom and my children are a gift from God but some days the only proof of the Holy Spirit is working in my life is that I haven't eaten my young. They are good kids. I love them. But being a mom is hard work.
Maybe it's our brokenness, our weakness and imperfections that make us shine.
So next time you see a mom heading out to the street with a baseball bat because some motorist woke up her babies by idling his car in front of her apartment and playing loud rap music don't be so quick to judge. It's probably me.
To my Dear Friend: If you read this - you are normal and you are an AMAZING mom. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to let God work in your life.
On a totally unrelated note you, the reader, should now be able to post comments. It would be nice to see is anybody is reading this. :)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
CARITAS
DISCLAIMER - I have really been struggling with this post. I feel that I have some relevant things to say but have not had the opportunity to write it as well as i would like. Sadly I am at the point of not writing the blog at all so I would rather post something imperfect than not at all.
Well, Ladies, January has been an interesting month. My son started pre-school. My daughter was teething. My father came home from a care center which is great but we were hoping he would be walking and not remain in a wheelchair. Certainly none of these things are bad but it does entail a certain amount of upheaval. It has been difficult to keep centered.
Well, Ladies, January has been an interesting month. My son started pre-school. My daughter was teething. My father came home from a care center which is great but we were hoping he would be walking and not remain in a wheelchair. Certainly none of these things are bad but it does entail a certain amount of upheaval. It has been difficult to keep centered.
If you read my last post you know that I reached out to the communion of saints for help. Let me state that this was not a part of my Catholic upbringing so it is a bit new to me. I've written several papers about the theology of the communion of saints but it's easy to hide behind footnotes as it were. So I decided to get to know some of the saints personally. This is not a post about my discovery of the saints but where the study of them has led me.
One thing that I discovered is that God shines through in small but profound ways. Another thing I noticed is that average people were able to accomplish extraordinary things. Many of the saints are from religious orders. I know being in a religious order has its challenges but it got me thinking that it has the advantage of a daily routine. That's the point of many of them; you have a routine based on prayer.
We moms try to keep a routine. We know this every time we curtail a shopping trip or something enjoyable to make sure that the baby has a nap on time. There is also the disadvantage that motherhood is not necissarely prayer centered. We have all met those mothers who might take care of the physical needs of their children but who treat them as objects. Then when the children get older and have no affection for their mothers the mothers cry: "Oh, I made them food!" or "After all I did for them!" And then they sneer and cry because it was always about them (the mothers). But if you look at it, people who work at soup kitchens for years prepare more meals than the average mother. Mother Theresa cared for more ill people than the average mother. So what is the difference?
I think it is that many mothers do not having a loving focus. We have difficulty getting to church much less every day. And if a toddler decides he doesn't want to be at church... well, you know the result. So I prayed for something, a focus to get me through the days (and nights) of motherhood. This is what came to me:
UBI CARITAS ET AMOR DEUS IBI EST
The typical English translation of this is "Where there is charity and love there [also] is God". I take issue with this translation because it does not fully encompass the meaning of the word 'caritas'. Caritas is not just charity. It is the spirit of love which prompts action. Caritas is what keeps mothers (and people who volunteer in soup kitchens) from burning out or resenting their role. Caritas demands action.
There are a few more things I would like to bring up that might help us moms along. The first is that we must always remember when we deal with our children that they are God's children before they are ours. This means that we are NOT at liberty to do what we like with them. We will be held accountable for our actions.
The second thing is that our role as mothers (and fathers or caregivers) is to make our children fit for the kingdom of heaven. We cannot think that we are terrible parents because we cannot buy all the stuff our kids want. We also cannot think that because there is ample food on the table that we are amazing parents. We must take care of their physical needs. We must get our children to strive for their dreams. But we must also teach them to discern God's call in their lives.
The third thing that we must remember is that we are also God's children. This means that we must maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves. We are not perfect. We are not called to be perfect. But too often we think that we need to have all the answers. We don't. Or when we think "what is the most loving thing to do in this situation" the answer always seems to be giving more of ourselves than we can give. Perhaps a better question would be "what does God wish for me and my family?" The answer will be very different. It will not include "run yourself ragged" (we already do!) or "say 'yes' so much that you get no respect" or "let the man take the money and leave you and the children in a vulnerable situation". After much prayer you may decide it would be best to leave that high-paying job and scale back at home or even to get a job. What is it that God wishes for us? We are also His children.
So, Ladies, when we go about our tasks as mothers, tasks, might I add, that will go unnoticed and unappreciated but are necessary none the less, let us remind ourselves of God's love.
UBI CARITAS ET AMOR DEUS IBI EST.
God is with us. He loves us. We do not have to do this alone even if we are in the house alone with sick children all day.
One thing that I discovered is that God shines through in small but profound ways. Another thing I noticed is that average people were able to accomplish extraordinary things. Many of the saints are from religious orders. I know being in a religious order has its challenges but it got me thinking that it has the advantage of a daily routine. That's the point of many of them; you have a routine based on prayer.
We moms try to keep a routine. We know this every time we curtail a shopping trip or something enjoyable to make sure that the baby has a nap on time. There is also the disadvantage that motherhood is not necissarely prayer centered. We have all met those mothers who might take care of the physical needs of their children but who treat them as objects. Then when the children get older and have no affection for their mothers the mothers cry: "Oh, I made them food!" or "After all I did for them!" And then they sneer and cry because it was always about them (the mothers). But if you look at it, people who work at soup kitchens for years prepare more meals than the average mother. Mother Theresa cared for more ill people than the average mother. So what is the difference?
I think it is that many mothers do not having a loving focus. We have difficulty getting to church much less every day. And if a toddler decides he doesn't want to be at church... well, you know the result. So I prayed for something, a focus to get me through the days (and nights) of motherhood. This is what came to me:
UBI CARITAS ET AMOR DEUS IBI EST
The typical English translation of this is "Where there is charity and love there [also] is God". I take issue with this translation because it does not fully encompass the meaning of the word 'caritas'. Caritas is not just charity. It is the spirit of love which prompts action. Caritas is what keeps mothers (and people who volunteer in soup kitchens) from burning out or resenting their role. Caritas demands action.
There are a few more things I would like to bring up that might help us moms along. The first is that we must always remember when we deal with our children that they are God's children before they are ours. This means that we are NOT at liberty to do what we like with them. We will be held accountable for our actions.
The second thing is that our role as mothers (and fathers or caregivers) is to make our children fit for the kingdom of heaven. We cannot think that we are terrible parents because we cannot buy all the stuff our kids want. We also cannot think that because there is ample food on the table that we are amazing parents. We must take care of their physical needs. We must get our children to strive for their dreams. But we must also teach them to discern God's call in their lives.
The third thing that we must remember is that we are also God's children. This means that we must maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves. We are not perfect. We are not called to be perfect. But too often we think that we need to have all the answers. We don't. Or when we think "what is the most loving thing to do in this situation" the answer always seems to be giving more of ourselves than we can give. Perhaps a better question would be "what does God wish for me and my family?" The answer will be very different. It will not include "run yourself ragged" (we already do!) or "say 'yes' so much that you get no respect" or "let the man take the money and leave you and the children in a vulnerable situation". After much prayer you may decide it would be best to leave that high-paying job and scale back at home or even to get a job. What is it that God wishes for us? We are also His children.
So, Ladies, when we go about our tasks as mothers, tasks, might I add, that will go unnoticed and unappreciated but are necessary none the less, let us remind ourselves of God's love.
UBI CARITAS ET AMOR DEUS IBI EST.
God is with us. He loves us. We do not have to do this alone even if we are in the house alone with sick children all day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Out on a limb
Hi Ladies. I'm going out on a limb here and do something I have never done before: I am going to ask Pope John Paul II to intercede on behalf of my father. I know that I call myself Theology Mom and have an MA Theology so it should be a safe assumption that I am incredibly devout and I know my stuff. Really, Ladies, I entered my MA as a total skeptic. Sure, God had intervened at critical points of my life but I expected to lose my faith during my studies. I don't know why but I expected myself to be disappointed. Obviously I wasn't. But it doesn't mean I was raised to pray the rosary or ask the saints for intercession. This is all new to me.
You see, it's hard for me to admit that I'm out of control. But right now I am. My father is in a care facility after breaking his hip (again) and he might spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair and possibly diapers. This means that this once proud and capable man will probably deteriorate out of the shame of his situation. My siblings and I are trying to keep his spirits up. We visit as often as we can (it is a rare day that he does not get at least one visitor who stays with him for hours) but it is getting more and more difficult. For some reason he is not making progress in his physical therapy. I am at my wits' end trying to balance a move and two young children. (I know it's petty to complain but my daughter has been teething and not sleeping or napping no matter what I try. And after a while even I get tired of being cried at. So more baby medicine... but still...)
So as I was surfing the net (in order to put off cleaning the kitchen) I found this article:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110117/ap_on_re_eu/eu_france_john_paul_ii
Now I'm thinking: This nun was in a wheelchair. My dad is in a wheelchair. Her health was deteriorating. My dad's health is deteriorating. OK, I was raised to believe that miracles once happened but don't anymore or that you can pray but don't expect anything. (I know, Catholic teaching is that we are fundamentally spiritually beings who should expect God's loving presence in our lives. If only I had the faith to live that way all the time!)
So out of love for my dad I am going to ask the saints for intercession. Really ask this time like I mean it. Because, Ladies, I really do mean it.
Thanks for listening. I'm off to clean a kitchen before my daughter wakes up crying. Again.
You see, it's hard for me to admit that I'm out of control. But right now I am. My father is in a care facility after breaking his hip (again) and he might spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair and possibly diapers. This means that this once proud and capable man will probably deteriorate out of the shame of his situation. My siblings and I are trying to keep his spirits up. We visit as often as we can (it is a rare day that he does not get at least one visitor who stays with him for hours) but it is getting more and more difficult. For some reason he is not making progress in his physical therapy. I am at my wits' end trying to balance a move and two young children. (I know it's petty to complain but my daughter has been teething and not sleeping or napping no matter what I try. And after a while even I get tired of being cried at. So more baby medicine... but still...)
So as I was surfing the net (in order to put off cleaning the kitchen) I found this article:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110117/ap_on_re_eu/eu_france_john_paul_ii
Now I'm thinking: This nun was in a wheelchair. My dad is in a wheelchair. Her health was deteriorating. My dad's health is deteriorating. OK, I was raised to believe that miracles once happened but don't anymore or that you can pray but don't expect anything. (I know, Catholic teaching is that we are fundamentally spiritually beings who should expect God's loving presence in our lives. If only I had the faith to live that way all the time!)
So out of love for my dad I am going to ask the saints for intercession. Really ask this time like I mean it. Because, Ladies, I really do mean it.
Thanks for listening. I'm off to clean a kitchen before my daughter wakes up crying. Again.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Why not now? (Jesus mediated prayer)
Well, Ladies, my little family has survived the holiday season. We are recovering from post-family trauma. The house is clean. We are eating our way through the chocolates. My Christmas decorations are still up but life is never perfect. My son has started pre-school and is doing well so far. We are easing our way back into a routine.
If you read my blog about the Feast of the Holy Family you know that our Christmas was very disruptive. A part of me wishes I could focus on the hurt and anger that our Christmas visitor produced. Then I could feel in control. I could be right. I could justly lash out at this person. But I find that I can't. In spite of it all I still love this person. Dang! What do you do with a person you still love but absolutely hate everything about? I stand firm in my resolution that she is not to have contact with my children until she has serious medical/psychological help. I also know better than to try to change her. She is an elder of the family and many of her issues began before I was born. SHE has to be willing to change before anything positive can happen. It seems hopeless. I mentioned to a Christian friend of mine about praying for this person. My friend actually shrugged her shoulders and told me to do it if it makes me feel better. My friend didn't see much need to pray for someone who doesn't want prayers. According to my friend, I should wait until this woman is ready to accept Jesus into her life. Then prayer makes sense. So what should I do about this woman I love to hate?
I chose to use the rosary to pray for her. For many of you moms out there this may sound obvious. But even though I pray a great deal I generally don't use the rosary. I have also been told a lot that praying for one's enemies is taken as praying for their success. This is not true! Praying for one's enemies is praying for their transformation and conversion to the love of God. Why should I wait for someone else to change to accept God's promise of love and peace? And how long should I be waiting? Should I wait for individuals? Nations? Cultural and religious groups? Whoever makes me feel uncomfortable? Then I might as well shrug my shoulders and wait until the Rapture. Why change now when I can wait to be vindicated at the end of time?
This leads my meandering thoughts to two points: that prayer really can affect change and that God decides how He will answer the prayers. (We're going back to the idea of prayer as a form of communication with God and that prayer will transform the person praying and the situation even if the person we are praying for continually rejects the love of God.) This leads my poor, tired brain to point number three: if we can work towards peace and transformation why not start NOW?
So how do you pray for somebody you're furious with and still be honest? I have discovered, through my own turbulent personal experiences, a form of prayer I like to call "Jesus mediated prayer". OK, the first part is just a fancy term for a rant. Here is how it works. I start off with a prayer thanking God for His many blessings. Then I tell Him that there is something I'm really upset about that I would like to get off my chest. Then I go for it. I rant and rave about how I feel. I curse and swear and let Him know EXACTLY how I feel about a certain person/event. Do I feel guilty about doing this? Sometimes. Because I know that a lot of what I'm saying is ungenerous at best and slanderous at worst. But here is that makes it prayer: I give EVERYTHING over to God. If I'm not honest, if I'm trying hard to be 'good' all the time, I don't give God a chance to enter. After I give my anger over to God I am able to pray for my enemies.
The second part of Jesus mediated prayer is giving over what you expect or wish the outcome of your prayers to be. This is what my friend was unable to understand. She believed that since there probably wouldn't be a quantifiable outcome (nasty houseguest admits faults, learns humility and repents! hooray!) that prayer would be useless. Since I'm praying for my enemy I have absolutely no desire to contact her ever again to find out if my prayers are working to my satisfaction. So I ask Jesus to mediate. I've already explained to Him my anger and frustration. I've already asked Him to bless and guide this woman. And then, well,... I don't know. All that I know is that Jesus did not preach love and die for our sins to have our families in such discord. I do wonder what miracle my prayers will produce. And I wonder if I will be wise enough to notice it. But until that happy day I have diapers to change and babies to feed. Speaking of which there is my baby girl now.
May God bless you.
If you read my blog about the Feast of the Holy Family you know that our Christmas was very disruptive. A part of me wishes I could focus on the hurt and anger that our Christmas visitor produced. Then I could feel in control. I could be right. I could justly lash out at this person. But I find that I can't. In spite of it all I still love this person. Dang! What do you do with a person you still love but absolutely hate everything about? I stand firm in my resolution that she is not to have contact with my children until she has serious medical/psychological help. I also know better than to try to change her. She is an elder of the family and many of her issues began before I was born. SHE has to be willing to change before anything positive can happen. It seems hopeless. I mentioned to a Christian friend of mine about praying for this person. My friend actually shrugged her shoulders and told me to do it if it makes me feel better. My friend didn't see much need to pray for someone who doesn't want prayers. According to my friend, I should wait until this woman is ready to accept Jesus into her life. Then prayer makes sense. So what should I do about this woman I love to hate?
I chose to use the rosary to pray for her. For many of you moms out there this may sound obvious. But even though I pray a great deal I generally don't use the rosary. I have also been told a lot that praying for one's enemies is taken as praying for their success. This is not true! Praying for one's enemies is praying for their transformation and conversion to the love of God. Why should I wait for someone else to change to accept God's promise of love and peace? And how long should I be waiting? Should I wait for individuals? Nations? Cultural and religious groups? Whoever makes me feel uncomfortable? Then I might as well shrug my shoulders and wait until the Rapture. Why change now when I can wait to be vindicated at the end of time?
This leads my meandering thoughts to two points: that prayer really can affect change and that God decides how He will answer the prayers. (We're going back to the idea of prayer as a form of communication with God and that prayer will transform the person praying and the situation even if the person we are praying for continually rejects the love of God.) This leads my poor, tired brain to point number three: if we can work towards peace and transformation why not start NOW?
So how do you pray for somebody you're furious with and still be honest? I have discovered, through my own turbulent personal experiences, a form of prayer I like to call "Jesus mediated prayer". OK, the first part is just a fancy term for a rant. Here is how it works. I start off with a prayer thanking God for His many blessings. Then I tell Him that there is something I'm really upset about that I would like to get off my chest. Then I go for it. I rant and rave about how I feel. I curse and swear and let Him know EXACTLY how I feel about a certain person/event. Do I feel guilty about doing this? Sometimes. Because I know that a lot of what I'm saying is ungenerous at best and slanderous at worst. But here is that makes it prayer: I give EVERYTHING over to God. If I'm not honest, if I'm trying hard to be 'good' all the time, I don't give God a chance to enter. After I give my anger over to God I am able to pray for my enemies.
The second part of Jesus mediated prayer is giving over what you expect or wish the outcome of your prayers to be. This is what my friend was unable to understand. She believed that since there probably wouldn't be a quantifiable outcome (nasty houseguest admits faults, learns humility and repents! hooray!) that prayer would be useless. Since I'm praying for my enemy I have absolutely no desire to contact her ever again to find out if my prayers are working to my satisfaction. So I ask Jesus to mediate. I've already explained to Him my anger and frustration. I've already asked Him to bless and guide this woman. And then, well,... I don't know. All that I know is that Jesus did not preach love and die for our sins to have our families in such discord. I do wonder what miracle my prayers will produce. And I wonder if I will be wise enough to notice it. But until that happy day I have diapers to change and babies to feed. Speaking of which there is my baby girl now.
May God bless you.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Feast of the Holy Family
This past Sunday, December 26, was the Feast of the Holy Family. This is a relatively new feast for the Catholic Church to act as a model for modern families. Growing up I often wondered about poor Saint Joseph and if he had annoying relatives. Did anybody tell him NOT to marry Mary? Did they shun Jesus because of his questionable parentage? What did they think about him taking Mary to Egypt? Imagine: "Joseph! What are you doing taking your family to Egypt?? Do you have a job? How much will you make? What do you mean God told you to go? What makes you so special??" Ah, yes. Families.
This Christmas has been rather eventful. On one hand it was glorious. One of the elders of the family is in a medical care facility until he is strong enough to go home. He wasn't allowed to go home for Christmas so Christmas was brought to him - complete with a turkey dinner, gifts, and five young children running and crawling around. My five year old nephew led us in prayer. This old man sat in his wheelchair with a grin on his face watching the happy anarchy take place. For a while it was all about him. Then it was about an uncle who happens to have a Christmas birthday. But really it's all about the little ones, isn't it? Everybody was happy. Everybody except one.
There is always One who is always upset if others are the center of attention. This year the One was staying in our apartment for the holidays. It should have been fun. We had made plans to spoil her and take her around to see national parks. My son was thrilled to see her. But it wasn't enough. Somehow things that weren't about her (children's meal times and nap times) became about her. Somehow her resentfulness warped the happy atmosphere. Naps and mealtimes were late. Snacks were skipped. I was told to be bitter towards my husband. My son was told that we were too strict with him. She snuck candy to him and got him worked up and smiled when he misbehaved and told us what bad parents we are. Within two days of her arrival my son was having tantrums and wetting his pants. He was getting up in the middle of the night to ask us if we still love him. The day after the wonderful Christmas Eve she snapped. She picked a fight on Christmas Day and stormed out of the house making as much drama and confusion as possible.
As she stood sobbing waiting for her taxi (nothing else would do but to storm out with her bags and an unchanged plane ticket and no plan) she tried to convince me that she was the victim. I calmly and boldly negated every point telling her that she had a choice and if she left this way that she would regret it. I wanted her to know that whatever fantasy she had dreamed up I was not buying it. I wanted her to know that she could not mess with my family so easily. Oh, she still left and I was not about to let her stay. I could tell from her eyes that she got exactly what she wanted on Christmas day and she hated herself for it. Merry Christmas.
The longer I am a wife and mother the more I realize that I am the glue of the family. This means that I must be strong and form myself to other people. Sometimes I get a bit squished. But really I am a visionary who, like Joseph, dreams what her family can become. I decide the pieces I attach to the family mosaic. I direct the pieces and form the picture. The picture of this family will not include bitterness, self-victimization, self-delusion, covetousness, or pride. Not if I can help it.
But it doesn't end there. It is not enough to say that this woman is not allowed back into my house. Because in the end she is family. Mary and Joseph probably had to deal with this as well. What would they have done? They would have complete faith in God that would lead them into action.
I took my family before the Holy Eucharist and prayed for healing and guidance.
I would love to say that all of my problems miraculously went away but of course they didn't. My son is still nervous. My husband is confused and angry. I am furious that this woman would use my children as pawns in her delusional power trips. But then I remember something my beloved grandmother once told me about forgiveness: remember that Jesus already died for the person who has wronged you. THAT is how great His love is. Have I forgiven this woman? Obviously not or I wouldn't be ranting about it on my blog. Forgiveness is not an act of will. Forgiveness is the conscious decision to allow God to take control, transform and heal the situation.
I wish I had more wisdom in this situation. I wish I could kiss it and make it better. For now I will have to content myself with not bad-mouthing this person in front of my son (or at al)l. After all, she has her own problems. One day I will be able to forgive because that is what God expects from His children. Until then I will try to keep in mind that Jesus has already died for her sins. And I will keep her the hell away from my children.
Have a Blessed Christmas Season.
This Christmas has been rather eventful. On one hand it was glorious. One of the elders of the family is in a medical care facility until he is strong enough to go home. He wasn't allowed to go home for Christmas so Christmas was brought to him - complete with a turkey dinner, gifts, and five young children running and crawling around. My five year old nephew led us in prayer. This old man sat in his wheelchair with a grin on his face watching the happy anarchy take place. For a while it was all about him. Then it was about an uncle who happens to have a Christmas birthday. But really it's all about the little ones, isn't it? Everybody was happy. Everybody except one.
There is always One who is always upset if others are the center of attention. This year the One was staying in our apartment for the holidays. It should have been fun. We had made plans to spoil her and take her around to see national parks. My son was thrilled to see her. But it wasn't enough. Somehow things that weren't about her (children's meal times and nap times) became about her. Somehow her resentfulness warped the happy atmosphere. Naps and mealtimes were late. Snacks were skipped. I was told to be bitter towards my husband. My son was told that we were too strict with him. She snuck candy to him and got him worked up and smiled when he misbehaved and told us what bad parents we are. Within two days of her arrival my son was having tantrums and wetting his pants. He was getting up in the middle of the night to ask us if we still love him. The day after the wonderful Christmas Eve she snapped. She picked a fight on Christmas Day and stormed out of the house making as much drama and confusion as possible.
As she stood sobbing waiting for her taxi (nothing else would do but to storm out with her bags and an unchanged plane ticket and no plan) she tried to convince me that she was the victim. I calmly and boldly negated every point telling her that she had a choice and if she left this way that she would regret it. I wanted her to know that whatever fantasy she had dreamed up I was not buying it. I wanted her to know that she could not mess with my family so easily. Oh, she still left and I was not about to let her stay. I could tell from her eyes that she got exactly what she wanted on Christmas day and she hated herself for it. Merry Christmas.
The longer I am a wife and mother the more I realize that I am the glue of the family. This means that I must be strong and form myself to other people. Sometimes I get a bit squished. But really I am a visionary who, like Joseph, dreams what her family can become. I decide the pieces I attach to the family mosaic. I direct the pieces and form the picture. The picture of this family will not include bitterness, self-victimization, self-delusion, covetousness, or pride. Not if I can help it.
But it doesn't end there. It is not enough to say that this woman is not allowed back into my house. Because in the end she is family. Mary and Joseph probably had to deal with this as well. What would they have done? They would have complete faith in God that would lead them into action.
I took my family before the Holy Eucharist and prayed for healing and guidance.
I would love to say that all of my problems miraculously went away but of course they didn't. My son is still nervous. My husband is confused and angry. I am furious that this woman would use my children as pawns in her delusional power trips. But then I remember something my beloved grandmother once told me about forgiveness: remember that Jesus already died for the person who has wronged you. THAT is how great His love is. Have I forgiven this woman? Obviously not or I wouldn't be ranting about it on my blog. Forgiveness is not an act of will. Forgiveness is the conscious decision to allow God to take control, transform and heal the situation.
I wish I had more wisdom in this situation. I wish I could kiss it and make it better. For now I will have to content myself with not bad-mouthing this person in front of my son (or at al)l. After all, she has her own problems. One day I will be able to forgive because that is what God expects from His children. Until then I will try to keep in mind that Jesus has already died for her sins. And I will keep her the hell away from my children.
Have a Blessed Christmas Season.
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