Has it really been months since I last posted? Apparently so. When I began this blog I had dreams of writing profound treatises on the lives of the saints or the holy days in the liturgical year. Ha ha. So instead of being profound I am going for honest in the hopes that there is something worthwhile in the mundanity that is my life.
The main reason that I haven't written is that I am pregnant with my third child. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy and excited. It also means that I am tired, exhausted and cranky. I also have carpal tunnel syndrome which means my wrists always hurt and my hands are always sore and tingly. Luckily for me this will last only through my pregnancy so I only have about 15 more weeks of the pain and then my wrists and hands will be better.
Today is Pentecost, the birthday of the Catholic Church. What am I praying about? I am praying that my daughter will Stop Crying and take a nap. I am praying that a certain elder in my family will turn towards God instead of being deceitful and nasty. I am praying that my hands will be strong enough to fold laundry and wash dishes after I'm done writing this blog. I'm praying that this blog will be worth the pain of typing it.
I know, it's not very exciting. Probably not worth the time it takes to read it. But most of the time following Jesus isn't very exciting. I do not claim to be worthy of intercession for such small things. But I do humbly admit that I am reliant on Jesus for everything - and I mean everything. I could not possibly get through the days (and nights) of constant interruption and demands without God's aid. I am simply tapped out.
Mostly I just want to be alone. This is, of course, impossible when one is pregnant. I want someone else to be responsible for the kids for a while so that I may rest. This is also impossible. But I find I make it through if I'm honest about my pain and loneliness and allow God to work through me. I am grateful for any quiet time, however fleeting, I can spend with God. I acknowledge my weakness, reliance and gratitude and then I am just... quiet. I do not expect tongues of flame or any great signs. I don't want them. I just want to be able to stop for a few minutes and not feel the need to shake or cry. I certainly don't want to think of my 'to do' list. It is a habit, or perhaps a skill, to be able to be quiet for a few moments - one I have not entirely mastered.
Sometimes I wonder if Jesus was ever this exhausted when He was preaching and ministering to the sick and lonely. I know that He shook and cried in the Garden of Gethsemane out of fatigue and loneliness. I do not need to pretend to be strong.
Well, Ladies, my daughter is sleeping (a miracle!), my hands are sore and the kitchen needs to be cleaned. Thank you for sharing this part of my journey with me.
Deus Nobis Sit!